Dear Friends and Family,
My email has been hacked twice in the past week. After studying the link sent repeatedly to my entire contact list, it seems some covert ring in Shanghai is under the impression I have considerable influence over anyone trying to lose a few pounds.
Based on my newly found infamy, I’d like to set the record straight.
1. I don’t believe in weight loss products.
2. I don’t think you need to lose weight.
3. If you think you need to lose weight, please don’t use any of the scams that Jack Dong, aka Wang Dong, aka, UglyGorilla, aka notorious member of the Chinese hacker group Pwned has sent you via my email account.
That’s the infamous hacker group Pwned. Just kidding, it’s Harvard’s 2013 graduating class. Just kidding, it’s Brad and Angelina’s home security detail. Image via rfa.org.
4. No one can lose twelve pounds in five days without sacrificing a couple of vital organs.
That’s your liver on diet pills. Just kidding, it’s the liver of the oldest goat on the planet. Just kidding, it’s Tom Cruise’s dinner. Image via path.upmc.edu.
5. If you drink more Slim Fast than water, feel free to replace a healthy regiment of weight lifting and running with these awesome alternatives: constipation, headaches, loose stools, gas, bloating, abdominal discomfort, and intense hunger.
That’s Madonna after a 30-day Slim Fast cleanse. Just kidding, it’s Mike Tyson in drag. Just kidding, it’s your worst nightmare. Image via gstatic.com.
6. If you drink more tequila than Slim Fast, please check out this link: http://www.aa.org/.
7. Fasting is a great way to lose weight, as long as you believe that your 3:00 a.m. trip to kitchen to clear out the Cool Ranch Doritos, life-size chocolate Easter bunny, and an entire box of Saltines was just a dream.
That’s what I like to binge on late at night. Just kidding, it’s a culinary creation made from fish eggs, ramen, and bacon grease on Chopped. Just kidding, it’s a fetus. Image via dishola.com.
8. Avoid any diet plans containing the words “clinical trial,” “Kardashian,” and “alkaline”.
9. There is no cream you can rub into your body to lose weight, unless it’s creamed gasoline, in which case weight loss will be pretty much confined to your top three layers of skin.
10. If you really want to lose weight, I highly recommend a mid-life crisis.
That’s me during a mid-life crisis. Just kidding, it’s me after discovering all the Cool Ranch Doritos are gone. Just kidding, it’s Mike Tyson.
My sincere apologies for any disruption or inconvenience my errant emails from Wang Dong have caused.
Stacie, aka Gemini Girl
READING BETWEEN THE PINES 
I’m wondering if that photo of Madonna was altered. If not, her red eyes make me suspect she’s one toke over the line…
Oh, and by the way, you get the award for the most unappealing blog photos today. These alone should help people lose weight. Well done.
Yup…. There goes my appetite for lunch…..
I know. Madonna’s photo-shopped face will do that to you, right?
Carrie,
I think you’re 100% right about the altered Madonna photo, but then again, what about Madonna hasn’t been altered?
I should have put a warning at the beginning of the blog about those pictures, but then again, skipping a meal is better than eating grapefruit for a week, right?
Thank you for the visit, comment, and retweet.
Happy Friday!
Stacie
Grapefruit for a week. How does that even sound like a good idea to some people?
I don’t think Madonna needs diet pills to look like a mess. I think she’s doing just fine on her own!
I only receive “enlarge your penis” e-mails from my friends. They’ve probably given up on me losing weight and have now just turned to asking me to make my final transition into manhood.
Jen, I too, get penis enlargement emails. I always thought it was because the general cosmos assumed I had super-big balls, thus necessitated a matching penis, and I’m going with that thought on your end too. =)
Yep, I was having lunch when I sat down to read this. I could have used that warning. Thanks for the incentive to just cut back.
Your repertoire of “just kidding”s is hysterical. Totally worth the gross pics.
I didn’t realize I was posting this at lunchtime Michelle, I promise. But tell me, is there ever a good time to post a distorted picture of Madonna? =)
Probably not. I have to say you do have a knack for finding some pretty yucky stuff. If I ever need any I will know where to come.
Cristy does too…her pics take gross to a new level.
=p
Okay.. some of those images were just downright disturbing. lol Interesting post.
Very funny Stacie! I needed to laugh today.
Sent from my iPad
Thanks Molly! There are days when I feel totally silly. This is one of those days. =)
I’ll bet you’d like to wang somebody’s dong…. But seriously, alkaline “diet”: A in my book! It just means food with a alkaline ph rather than acidic (yuck for the body…). At least my version of it. Maybe to someone else it means Battery Fluid.
Yes! Battery fluid! If you give up acidic foods does that mean no more tequila?
I only hope Mike Tyson takes your sincere apology at face value.
I like the way you think, Guap. Are you a Gemini by chance? You should be. =)
Haha, ohmygoodness, the “Just kidding’s” has got me so confused and all over the place. After the first one I just couldn’t see what was true anymore !
Oh, it’s all true in some type of parallel universe where dolphins fly and unicorns take my kids to school every day. =)
Oh that’s the best of both worlds.
Fuck you make me laff.
Yolly, you should know by now that my blog is all about peace and love. Now go do five shots of tequila and a beer chaser and let me know what you think after.
=p
I just did five pints of cloudy scrumptious scrumpy watching the mighty Sourhampton FC win – can I have a little rest please? Lol
Just enough time for a nap. Then back at it please.
=)
You are a hard taskmaster, er, mistress lol
Hmm.. I”m with the others – these photos are unappealing. Loved them anyways though! Especially the Brangelina detail. Hilarious!
Thank you Daryl. Or Alana. I’m not sure who make this comment and I kind of love the androgyny in that. =)
We like to keep people guessing =)
It’s Alana though…
Looking forward to more unappealing Madonna pics in the future!
I’m never eating again. But I’ll never stop reading your blog.
“Life-size chocolate Easter bunny” was my favorite image. By far.
The image isn’t as good as the real thing, I can tell you that from experience Charles.
Never say never, I feel compelled to write about my hometown NCAA champion Louisville Cardinals today, but I’m trying to sit on my hands.
=)
Sorry you got hacked, but thanks for turning the experience into an important lesson for all of us. Note to self: Never eat Cool Ranch Doritios with Mike Tyson.
I like the way you think, Mary. =)
Dear notorious blogger girl, madam Gemini, we humbly sorry that we most indiscreetly hack your honorable email. We take it back. This most regretfully event was action of one mistrustful agent and we wish not that your most intense self be (how you say…) piss-off towards our lowly selves. We respectful request that you demonstrate interested forgiving of our unskilful actions. We please that you do not employ lawsuitful action against our repentful persons. We tell FedEx to cancel all penis enlarger merchandise currently on destination to your location. You keep free sample, on us.
Again, we very sorry.
Signed: notorious Shanghai hacker group
Phillipe,
This is precisely why I miss you when you’re not around. Your comment made me laugh out loud, which isn’t easy to do. Easier than artificially enlarging your penis for, sure, but still not easy.
Stacie
You never fail to impress me, and make me laugh! The photos are controversial, to say the least. Was that really a fetus? And what does Tom Cruise have for dinner? 🙂
Stella,
I love making you laugh! That is most definitely not a fetus, rather, some strange sushi creation from dishola.com.
Enjoy your snow day and thanks for stopping by!
Stacie
Hacked twice in one week? Lucky….you should play the lottery.
I’ve already won and lost $200 million. It was super-fun hanging out with Vince Neil while it lasted, though.
Stacie girl, I think this is one of my favorite posts yet. Love the picture comments. 🙂
Love you right back. How was your bday?
Actually, it was pretty shitty….but hey, it’s only another day of the year right? 🙂
Wrong! It’s the day of your birth. That sucks. =(
I love you. I really do. 😉 xo
What a funny take on the topic of weight loss. Most of us want (ok, need) to lose a few pounds. But not at the cost of our internal organs. Nice post!
Renee,
Thanks for your read and comment. I too, believe that a healthy kidney is too good of a thing to waste.
=)
Stacie
My hackers asked people on my contact list if they were experiencing erectile dysfunction 😦
That’s definitely worse than weight loss.
Great to see you Sandee, hope you’re well. =)
Everybody Wang Dong tonight. I had no idea that song was about an infamous group of hackers advertising weight loss, but now it makes total sense.
I’m glad I read this post early before my scheduled mid-life crisis and unrealistic fitness goals. It really helped. Thanks! Now please excuse me while I rub myself with a wrinkle removing cream I got off the internet. I think it’s cat vomit and totally works, probably because nobody will come near enough to me to see my wrinkles. Score!
Dear FF,
You are awesome.
xoxo
GG
Lmaooooooooo. Loved it. Like usual.
Love you, Erin. Like usual. =)
Sorry your email got hacked twice, but I hope it happens again some that we get another great read and laugh from you. 🙂
Thanks, Jed. Hope all is well!
yerrrrr friggin’ terrible! loved it!
I’m thinking friggin’ terrible is a good thing, so thank you! =)