It’s that time of the year again when truckloads of invitations get dumped on the doorstep and you’re forced to ditch your Juicy sweats for spandex and a pair of sparkly shoes. Following are my tried and true tips to make this holiday season the most festive ever, especially if you’re new to the neighborhood or spend a lot of time in the garage whittling Star Wars figurines.
1. When choosing which party to attend on any given night, steer clear of the District Attorney’s house. Nobody wants to hear that you lit it up with the county D.A., and by nobody I mean anyone who’s ever been the subject of a body cavity search or watched an episode of Breaking Bad. Partying with any law enforcement officer will make your friends feel sick and squeamish, especially the ones who accidentally forgot to pay child support for the last six years.
2. Always take a posse to a holiday party, especially when the invitation has an ice luge on the cover. Generally speaking, people with enough money to blow on things like disposable sculptures don’t have a lot of friends because they’re too busy making enough money to blow on things like disposable sculptures. You’ll be doing the host a favor by bringing thrill seeking add-ons who’ll K.O. all the Finlandia in the house and yell “Hit that dawg!” at the top of their lungs every five minutes.
3. Everyone has a creepy uncle who doesn’t get out of the house much because he’s too busy grooming his stuffed hamster collection. To cut back on those noxious fumes coming from the basement, send him over to the D.A.’s party with your regrets. By doing so, you’ll simultaneously perform a random act of kindness and keep your family’s name off the police scanner in 2014. It might be nice to tape a note on his back with his iPhone passcode just in case he gets lost or someone wants to do a random screenshot search.
4. When it’s time to carb load, skip the prime rib station and head straight to the host’s pantry. That’s where you’ll find the good stuff, like Funions, and the adult toys Santa plans to put in a secret stocking the kids have already found, taken pictures of, and Snapchatted around the entire middle school with the tag “My parents know how to party!”.
5. It’s important to hydrate at holiday social events because the secret to getting asked back next year is to look really hot. To give your skin a soft, dewy glow, try supplementing Jager Bombs with a Michelob Ultra every now and again. A 5:1 ratio is usually the perfect mix for me, but you might want to go something like 7:1 on account of all that excess hair.
6. Everyone loves a party guest who commandeers the Kenny Loggins Christmas station and slips in a custom-made playlist, especially if the self-proclaimed mix master is wearing a lot of make-up and no pants.
7. When the party’s winding down and it’s time to go home? Everyone loves unexpected overnight guests, especially the ones who pass out on the ice luge. To make yourself a little more inconspicuous and give your host a holiday surprise in the morning, try crawling into the dog kennel. It’s cozy, padded, and if you happen to throw up a little while you’re in there? You and my creepy uncle will be the only ones who know.
Happy Holidays from everyone at the Gemini Girl in a Random World staff, which is pretty much just me and my mom.
26 thoughts on “How to Party Like A Pro This Holiday Season”
I think you start by finding weird pictures, then write the post around them. Am I right? For a second, I thought the guy in the gold pants was me, but I’d never wear those shoes.
Merry Christmas, Stacie.
Merry Christmas to you Charles!
Sadly, the guy in the gold pants isn’t you, but we should all hold onto our dreams so don’t lose site of your goals.
I think I’ll write something more reflective next. I tend to get a little weepy over the holidays, especially when I forget to hydrate while playing reindeer games.
Wow, these disturbing images are going to stick with me for a long time. Love the idea for the uncle with the note taped on his back! And a weird mis-read… I thought “blow on ice sculptures” was really that — like wealthy people who have nothing better to do than blow on ice sculptures to make them melt faster (?) Or something. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time around chickens…
Happy holidays, my friend, and thanks for the laugh! xx
Or maybe wealthy people really DON’T have anything better to do than blow on ice sculptures. How vain of them. =p
I hope you, your daughter, Rufina, and all of your crazy posse have a great holiday Laura. Love ya!
There was a Bill Murray post on FB this morning about his holiday ice luge and vodka favorite way to party til 5 am rather than the customary 3 am. Merry Christmas to you and your staff (does she edit replies too?).
Bill and I communicate regularly so I waited to post my blog so that I didn’t steal his thunder. =p
To answer your question, my staff is unpaid, unreliable, and always talking about some chic at work who she’s CONSTANTLY editing. Go figure.
Merry Christmas. Please don’t let my mother drive you crazy.
I’ll be curled up with a bottle of chilled tequila and a 17 hour tape of The Yule Log.
Guap, that sounds lovely. If you could throw in some summer sausage it would be just about perfect.
Thanks for the read…hope you’re well!
Thanks, I’m alright.
It’s good to see you too, and happy holidays to you and yours.
OK maybe a cheese wheel? =)
Loved this! I especially love the last one. A doggie kennel would be perfect for an introvert like me. I’ll just bring a book, crawl inside, and no one will ever know I was there. Oh, but could you please bring me some bon bons and other assorted Christmas delights while I’m in there?
I don’t have any bon bons, Carrie, but I do have a melting ice luge that would probably fit. =p
Thanks for the read and Happy Holidays!
First of all, my Juicy sweatpants are classy enough to wear to any type of holiday shindig. Because I only buy the glitteriest of sweatpants. Sure, sometimes I have to special order them, and it takes longer for them to ship, but I’m worth it. Secondly, that picture of me in the gold spandex pants was from a photo shoot for my band “Dr Leonard T Thunderfunk and the Funkettes”. I was under the impression that I retained the rights to all the photos that emenated from that shoot. So I’m not sure how you obtained them, but my lawyers will be looking into it. Thirdly of all, and lastly but never leastly, Merry Christmas, Stacie!!!
Your glittery pants fetish is getting out of hand. You might want to try some kind of 12 step program or if you don’t have that much time, maybe just watch this Rick James video to be cured:
Once you’re safely back in a pair of 501s, have a very merry Christmas. =)
There ain’t never been a party that wasn’t made better by adding a little Kenny Loggins.
Good point. I haven’t been able to get “This Is It!” out of my head all day long. Thanks for the read and comment!
Imagine drinking vodka from an ice sculpture of Kenny Loggins in a dog crate!
That scares me a little bit, but not too much, which is scary in and of itself. Does that make sense?
Good to see you Calahan. Merry Christmas!
Good to see you, too, Stacie. 🙂
Sage advice for sure. LOL The guy in the gold pants is priceless. LOL
I’ll tell my uncle you said so. =)
Thanks for stopping by Dani!
Wellll it seems that while I was away getting in touch with my inner idiot, I missed two of your posts. Don’t know how that happened; my apologies madam.
This morning I was running a half marathon in Ottawa, temp. -11F, wind chill -22 (effing Canadian winters) and 3/4 of the way through, as I started feeling nauseous (dehydration will do that), I thought of Gemini Girl and what she was up to (no idea why that connections was made).
Glad to see that you are still on yo game Missy! You seem to have quite a bit of holiday partying experience yourself, can you come DJ at our house next year? You get room & board as long as you pay your own airfare. Montréal is lovely in the winter (if you like spending time inside your freezer). Open invite.
Cheers (and shit)!
P.S. If you can’t make it, do you have Miley’s number?
Wait, you’re not even paying my airfare? What about the private suite at the Ritz, my limo, and a candy jar filled with 12.5 pounds of milk duds?
I haven’t been writing because we decided to redecorate one room in the house and are now are pretty much blowing the whole interior up, so it’s nice to see a smiling, happy, familiar face (while I’m assuming you’re happy, we need to connect on the FB hiatus at some point).
Congrats on the 1/2 and I’m happy to hear there were thoughts of GG while you were running. Probably to get you over that bitch of stretch at about the 8 mile mark or as you crossed the finished line and wondered if there was anyone around to drink a cocktail with you at 10:00 a.m. =)
Always great to see you Phillipe…I need to write another post so I can see you more.
i sorta kinda really love your blog, which I have been creeping through for some time now. Wait, does creeping sound weird? Oh well.
There’s nothing that makes my day like a acquiring a new stalker. I’m not getting any younger, so I figure negative attention is attention nonetheless, and I’m totally cool with that.
I just went to your blog. You’re hilarious. I’m now following you so watch your back, because I, like you, have some really messed up thoughts.
Yay, a new weird blogger friend! Messed up thoughts are the best kind of thoughts.
I totally agree about the stalking. I would be flattered to have a stalker, but it just hasn’t happened yet. I figure it must be something I’m doing wrong. Until then, I’ll keep myself busy by stalking other people.