Last week, our family spent spring break in super-sunny Mexico, and I thought I’d impart my hard-earned wisdom with the hope that anyone reading this might be a little more savvy than we were on our first family trip south of the border. Because sharing is caring, even when it includes bodily fluids you won’t ever see on The Great British Bake Off, here are some tried and true tips to make sure you maximize your time on the beach and minimize your visits to the ER.
Don’t spend more on tequila than you do on hand sanitizer.
The drinking age in Mexico isn’t 18. It’s actually “fresh out of the womb” so when you see a toddler stumbling around in a fake pair of Ray-Bans drinking a triple shot Mai Tai? Look the other way.
The only Spanish words you really need to know are happy hour, ransom, and Pepto Bismol.
Don’t let your kids out of your sight without LoJack-like tracking devices programmed to detect earthquakes, a spike in area crime activity, and excessive use of resort charging privileges at the swim-up bar.
Contracting norovirous is a great way to shed those extra vacation pounds overnight, so if you’re looking for a shortcut to weight loss via spending 24 straight hours over the toilet? Head to a small town and dive right into the raw sewage floating in the ocean. It’s like swimming with dolphins except all the marine life is dead and there aren’t any happy feels when you emerge from the water. Just a gritty film on your lips.
Re the aforementioned norovirous, you’ll be back to your pre-vacation shape in no time even if you lose a little tooth enamel along the way.
Pay attention to tripadvisor, especially when it comes to food sanitation, cartels, and the best cities to contract flesh-eating diseases.
Street vendors are a great resource for sombreros, fake silver jewelry, and those weird Lucha Libre wrestling masks that are super-popular with kidnappers. Street vendors aren’t really the place to turn for raw food unless you know the aforementioned Spanish word for Pepto Bismol and if so? Go for it.
Timeshare presentations are an awesome way to waste a sunny day indoors, so when the salespeople say “it’ll just take an hour” offer them some tasty oysters from yesterday’s norovirus excursion and you’ll be out of there in 10 minutes flat.
Always use the buddy system.
So that’s it. Mexico, with its limitless fun, gorgeous beaches, and captivating culture is a wonderful place to spend time with family and friends. Just make sure you coat your stomach with a gallon of Drano and enough activated charcoal to flush anything that goes into your body right back out. Happy Travels!
READING BETWEEN THE PINES 
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