If life's about the journey, does it matter how many bathroom breaks you take along the way?

For reasons I don’t quite understand, a kind friend asked to interview me for the neighborhood paper.  My responses, written at about 11:30 p.m. last night, are listed below.  I realized immediately upon waking that these will never see the light of day in actual print, so I thought I’d share them with you.

What is your background?  

I was raised in Kentucky, which is both the college basketball and weed capital of the world.  Incidentally, the majority of Colorado’s medicinal marijuana is imported from my home state.  Just kidding.  I made that up.  It’s actually grown in your neighbor’s creepy basement.  Those blackout shades were installed for a reason after the house went back to the bank.

creepy basement cat

creepy basement cat (Photo credit: ~!)

I spent twelve years in Chicago post-college (Miami of OHIO. Please don’t confuse my alma mater with that football International Baccalaureate of thugdom in Florida), where I met my husband, popped out three children, taught myself to parallel park one unfortunately placed car at a time, and carried a shiv pretty much 24/7.

peppermint shiv

peppermint shiv (Photo credit: Rakka)

How long have you been in Colorado?

After getting mugged more often than the Cubs scored runs, we packed up the family seven years ago and descended on the sunny suburbs of Colorado, where, until our creditors catch up with us, we’re here to stay.

What are the ages of your kids and what did you do before becoming a parent?

Our children are 11, 9 and 7, and before they came along I did everything in my power to avoid having them.  Just kidding…again!  I was a commercial real estate broker, which totally prepared me to be a stay-at-home mom because I dealt with selfish, immature, whiny little people every day.  Nobody peed in my face when I was changing a diaper though, so that element of motherhood was kind of a surprise.

image by anatanasia_valeria

What made you start writing and why did you start your own blog?

I started writing my novel about a year ago because, with the ankle-biters in school (finally!), I had way too much time on my hands.  When you earn VIP status at Kohl’s and they’re calling you every day for Franzia and queso parties (that you regularly attend), something’s gotta give.  I started my blog this past Christmas so I could avoid working on my novel and feel good about it.

nasty queso Image via flickr

Tell me about the book that you are working on.

My novel is middle grade fiction focused on a friendship triangle that includes mystery, major BFF friction, love gone wrong, and dodgeball Pom girls. I promise there’s nothing like it on the shelves, and if I were honest with myself, I’d acknowledge there’s a reason for that.

What has been the reaction to your blog?  Do you have a lot of followers?

The reaction to my blog has been surprisingly positive, especially from the people who stay awake long enough to get to the bottom of my posts.  It’s completely random, and for me, super-fun.  I’ll never admit how I got my followers, but the word “bribe” is pretty prevalent in my daily lexicon.  Well, that and the phrase “your image has been captured on film.”

CCTV cameras

Image via Wikipedia

I love to write, the most rewarding part being that I’ve finally convinced my therapist I’m not a schizoid.  At the end of the day, I really do believe in a balanced budget, the tooth fairy, and unicorns, and all of the voices I channel are (scary to say) real.

28 thoughts on “An Interview You Will Never Read in the Local Paper

  1. crubin says:

    Finally! I now have a use for the leftover candy canes!

    1. Yes! I even have an entire 12-pack of bacon-flavored ones that for some reason, haven’t yet disappeared from the pantry shelf. I think the essence of bacon HAS to make for an even better shiv.

  2. OMG you are hysterical. What a welcome change to read a such down to earth, real blog. Great job!

    1. Thanks Elizabeth. You’re such a down to earth, real person…and I appreciate the comment!

  3. laura says:

    So glad I’m your friend again:) Love your outlook on life and humor. Just wish we were closer…Great job!!! Now if only you would write in your handwriting instead of typing. Did you know I use to try to copy your handwriting in 9th grade when we wrote each other those 2 page letters in class? Always loved it!

    1. Hey Laura! So here’s the honest truth. My handwriting is completely illegible now. My 7-year old can even forge my signature. Another truth? I still have ALL of my notes from high school. I’m not kidding. Isn’t that weird? I may have to dig one out, scan it, and send it to you via FB just for fun. =)

  4. Stacie, too funny. My favorite line..”I promise there’s nothing like it on the shelves, and if I were honest with myself, I’d acknowledge there’s a reason for that.” I,for one, will buy your book when it hits the shelves. If you have a book signing, however, leave the shiv at home. Just sayin.

    1. Thanks Vickie. It’s smart to be realistic about my 1 in 1,000,000,000,000 chance of getting published, but dare to dream, right?

  5. Hysterical answers, which is another reason this interview will never see the light of day on some stodgy print newspaper… glad you posted it here!

    Armand Rosamilia

    1. Thanks Armand. Power to the people!

  6. You’re famous! And cracking me up!

    1. I’m so not even close to ever being famous, but I’m happy to make you laugh!

  7. sweetmother says:

    LOVED. um and i hate to admit this, but i have more “kohl’s cash” than real cash. true story. and hey…changed my blog template. it has helped. all thanks to you!

    1. I am seriously going to Kohl’s this afternoon. I swear. I got one of those magic 30% off coupons in the mail and CANNOT stay away. By tonight I’ll have fourteen pairs of leg warmers that will never escape the bag. Glad you changed your template to make it easier for people to follow you. You are one funny chic!

  8. Rana Armoush says:

    Stacie you are funny! Yeah i know you’ve heard this a lot, but no body gets a laugh out of my mouth easily! No wonder they won’t publish your interview, you’re being honest, journals don’t appreciate honesty sis. But I guess you have more readers here than that local paper !

    1. Thanks for your sweet comment Rana!

  9. Tom Norton says:

    Stacie: I do not consider myself selfish, immature or a whiny little person! You’re giving unselfish, mature big people like myself a bad name.

    1. Oh, put a cork in it you big baby! =)

  10. Hilarious….perfect Monday Morning Humor for me.

    1. Glad you liked it. Mondays should be good for something other than doing laundry.

  11. Anonymous says:

    sometimes you scare the hell out of me. brilliant

    1. Thank you “someone.” I think.

  12. I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t these answers get published? I think they’re totally valid. I’d publish them. I guess this is why I’m no longer the editor of a legal journal. Hilarious…as usual, my funny, bestie, clever, charming friend!

    1. You would publish them. To support me. Even if it turns out I really am schizo. Which is why you are my bestie. Among a million other reasons. Like you’re the best writer in the blogosphere hand’s down. That’s just one. But it’s a good one.

      1. Nah, I’d publish them because Vanity Fair published Daniel Craig’s responses to questions. They were snippier than yours, but still funny. There’s no way I’d consider answering those questions seriously. I guess that means that no one is ever going to publish an interview about me.

      2. Who cares? You’ll be answering VF’s Proust Questionnaire alongside Tina Fey by then.

      3. From your lips to Graydon Carter’s ears. I just KNEW you read Vanity Fair! Of course, I have a two year subscription. Love you, bestie!

  13. You had me at weed capital of the world. There was something else I was going to say, but I forget.

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