There comes a time in every woman’s life when she realizes her husband is connected to a lot of well-endowed Facebook friends under the alias ‘Shazam Man!’ she’s not getting any younger, trades her engagement ring for a boob job breaks free from the constraints of social judgment, and installs a stripper pole in her bedroom starts to shave her face.
Or at least she should. Shave her face, that is. Stripping is pretty much all about daddy issues, flexibility, and cash flow.
Take me as an example. Not for the parts above I can’t discuss in public any of the stuff crossed out in the first paragraph, but for a hairy face.
That’s not me, but it could be (at least the beard part).
One day, I was lounging on the sofa in a killer pair of Jimmy Choos trying to figure out the horrendous stench coming from my son’s backpack, when my daughter made an interesting statement.
“Mommy, your face is furry,” she said.
“My face is not furry,” I replied as I attempted to pry open a lunch thermos while simultaneously resisting the urge to throw up in my mouth.
“Yes it is. You look all fuzzy and stuff.”
“You wanna see fuzz? Check out these meatballs,” I said.
“They’re not as hairy as you mom!”
“Well, you look like Mike Tyson,” I replied.
Image via blogspot.com
This, in fact, was true. She’d just had eight teeth pulled a couple of days before.
My daughter’s teeth aren’t hairy at all.
Since I’d pretty much laid down the best “In your face!” comeback ever on my 10 year-old, who gave me a serious “oh Mom, you’re such a loser” look had no idea who Mike Tyson was, I was feeling totally righteous. But I was also feeling a little premenstrual vulnerable, because out of the mouths of babes comes the truth, weird songs that can win you a bunch of money on YouTube or get you arrested, and stuff like that.
Anyway, as soon as I freed myself from the binding constraints of the ankle biters got my little darlings off to school, I checked the mirror. Closely. To my surprise, dismay, and genuine horror, I found that my daughter was 100% right. The entire side of my face looked alarmingly like the back-end of my dog.
You don’t want your face to look like this.
I immediately called 9-1-1 to report an emergency my friend, Lisa, the best paramedical esthetician in Denver, to let her know my hair of the dog philosophy to hangovers had morphed into something literal I had turned into a werewolf.
Image via sodahead.com
She just laughed the laugh of a confident, beardless woman and told me I needed to dermaplane.
Who wouldn’t want Lisa to shave their face?
According to a random website with a super-cool design, dermaplaning is a highly effective procedure for removing the outermost layer of dead skin cells. Dermaplaning will also remove the layer of vellous hair that often covers the face, commonly known as “peach fuzz,” which traps dirt and oil. The treatment gives the skin a smoother appearance. The removal of the outer layer of skin cells also allows for better penetration and absorption of both pharmaceutical and cosmeceutical products. These skin cells are no longer a protectant, but are a barrier for other procedures and/or products.
Yep, that’s me getting a shave.
That sounds pretty much right on to me, so after informing my daughter that she can no longer take piano lessons finding some extra cash for my treatments, I feel just as qualified as the neighbor who constantly hits you up to buy girl scout cookies skin care products you’ll never use that promise you the ability to time travel, to offer my advice.
As a self-certified expert, I’d like to debunk several myths about skin care you may have read on the late-night chat room you haven’t told ‘Shazam-Man” about Facebook.
1. Some skin care remedies not only remove dead cells, buy can actually resurrect the dead.
This, in fact, isn’t true.
The woman on the left supposedly applied some freaky bovine hormone-enhanced cream a hydrating scrub to improve her skin’s appearance and achieve the look on the right. There’s just one problem. They aren’t the same person. I’m willing to bet my CSI home starter kit that the hand on the left is my great grandmother’s. I have the exact same bulging veins skin tone. My great grandmother made the best fried okra in the state of Georgia, mowed her lawn at the age of ninety-three, and dipped Bruton Scotch Snuff until the day she died. Which was in 1992.
Don’t believe the hype. As much as I miss my great grandmother, no amount of topical lotion will bring her back.
2. Anyone capable of giving you toenail fungus from a dirty set of clippers can successfully treat your skin.
This, also, is not true.
The process of dermaplaning involves the use of a surgical knife. It’s kind of like a custom-made shiv scalpel for fine lines, wrinkles, and whiskers.
If your manicurist tells you she just purchased a cosmetology license from an infomercial dermaplanes, and pulls out a Bic Single Blade Lady disposable razor? Run. I made the mistake of cheating on Lisa with another recreational liar skin care specialist who ended up making my face look like this.
That’s road rash on my face inflicted by a supposed expert (not Lisa) who dug so deeply during a dermaplane treatment that I thought she was trying to kill me reach my soul. I think she may have used a Lady Bic but I’m not sure because I couldn’t watch. The feeling of my own blood coursing down the side of my face in rhythm to Enya’s “Sail Away” was an experience I never want to repeat.
3. It’s a good idea to purchase skin care treatments with a Groupon.
Please refer to the previous two paragraphs.
4. Proper skin care will improve your sex life.
Maybe, but check out the items crossed out in paragraph one or the soft porn section on Netflix for a sure thing.
5. A well-planned and properly executed skin care regiment will reverse internal damage from heavy recreational drug use.
Image via trutv.com
These two women aren’t even remotely related. Just kidding. That’s Tawney Kitean after and before becoming addicted to prescription pills. Here’s a freebie piece of advice that has nothing to do with unwanted facial hair but will help you keep your teeth. Don’t do drugs.
So thanks to Lisa, I no longer have to endure “Chopsticks” being played over and over on a keyboard. I also have super-smooth skin.
If you’d like the best shave and skin care in the state of Colorado, visit Lisa at:
http://faceitandothernews.wordpress.com/about-lisa/
(303) 792-3838
If you’d like to install a stripper pole in your bedroom, check this site out:
If you liked this post, you might enjoy:
READING BETWEEN THE PINES 
I love this so much. Your brazen straightforwardness has inspired me to confess that I, too, made the horrifying discovery of rampantly thriving peach fuzz on my own innocent cheeks. The betrayal!! I’m thinking wax. At my hairdresser’s capable hands. No??
Do not wax! Bite the bullet and find a competent electrolysis provider. It’s quite painful, but it does work, and the hair doesn’t grow back.
I’ve avoided electrolysis hair removal based on first-hand reports of said pain, plus I can never figure out when to start my six session series because I’m always chasing the sun. Someday though, I’ll bite the bullet. Probably when my eyes get really bad and I can no longer see the whiskers I pluck from my chin with tweezers.
Compared to childbirth, it’s a day at the spa with a mai tai and a friendly pool boy to refill it.
Good point.
So what havoc does wax wreak??
I’m not as opinionated as Wendy on the matter. I wax my eyebrows and have had no adverse issues, so I say wax first and then go from there. On the other hand, Wendy may have some first-hand experience that’s worth listening to.
She’s a super-witty writer/person/non-waxer.
No havoc — it just all grows back, then you have to wait until it’s long enough to wax before you can remove it. There’s a hamster-treadmill feel to the whole process. I figure, better to bite the bullet once or twice, endure the pain and have done with it.
Judy,
I would listen to Wendy (below) long before I’d listen to myself. I’ve never had hair removed completely due to the pain factor she mentions below (like, I’ve heard even the numbing cream is painful), and the fact that it takes up to six sessions to get rid of everything, but people swear by it.
Alternately, you could make 4 trips a year to Denver and go see Lisa. I’ll pick you up at the airport and take you out for cocktails after.
=p
I’m thinking my peach fuzz is quite “liveable,” so perhaps nothing at all will happen. However, I’m down with meeting you for cocktails!!
=)
but doesn’t the hair add a layer of softness to your already soft skin?
It IS soft, you’re totally right on about that, but I pride myself in bathing in bacon grease so I don’t really require anything more. When you’re making, like, a pound a day to feed your new dog there’s a lot of fat that drips off the pan and onto the floor that can be reused. Plus the fuzz on my face gets really hot in the summer.
You crack me up! Yes, there comes a time in a woman’s life when she realizes she’s not getting younger – my boobs aren’t perky, my metabolism isn’t the same despite running 30 miles a week, and I have parentheses lines! I hate them… As for fuzzy facial hair – I need to look tonight at my 10x magnifying mirror to see; I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for a great laugh at the start of a workday – performance appraisal coming up in an hour.
Stella, you strike me as someone who was blessedly born without excess facial hair. You can probably take the money I spend at Lisa’s and buy some new running shoes. Those are some serious miles you’re logging! As an aside, Kimberly has thrown out the 1/2 marathon challenge for June. Wanna join?
You crack me up! Yes, there comes a time in a woman’s life when she realizes she’s not getting younger… My boobs sag (and they’re just a measly A now :-(), my metabolism isn’t the same despite running 30 miles a week, and I have parentheses lines! Ugh, I hate them… As for fuzzy facial hair.. I have to look at my 10x magnifying mirror tonight and check, I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for a fine laugh on a Tuesday workday – performance appraisal coming up at 11am.
You must have had to type your comment twice. Dermaplaning won’t help saggy boobs, but I’ve got someone for you in that category too. =p
I’m laughing too hard to reply! buaaaahahaaaa on the Tawny Kitean…Yes. I’m very curious about this procedure, and am calling LIsa!
Love your posts, Stacie. ❤
CALL HER! She’s the best. Almost as awesome as you are. Well, it’s a tie, really.
Thanks for the love and support, Susan!
You crack me up! Yes, there comes a time in a woman’s life when she realizes she’s not getting younger… My boobs sag (and they’re just an A cup!), I gain an inch around my midsection for eating one tiny cookie (despite running 30 miles a week), and I have parentheses lines! Ugh, I hate them… As for fuzzy facial hair, I have to check tonight using my 10x magnifying mirror, I’ll keep you posted! Thanks for the laugh on a workday – performance appraisal happening in 90 minutes.
How did the performance appraisal go?
So, I did look at my magnifying mirror, and yes, I believe my genetic make up spared me the facial fuzz. Thank goodness! PErformance appraisal went well. And yes, let me know about the half marathon! Sorry for the repeats – I did it from work and it wouldn’t show up – so now I know it’s just delayed.
No worries, Stella. It makes my comments section look that much more robust. =p
Ha, ha, ha!! Love your humor Stacie!! And I’m so glad you are no longer embarrassing your sweet children:) xxoo, Kathryn
Kathryn,
I think you share my philosophy of teaching our children to laugh at themselves by laughing at them first.
Miss you and hope you’re feeling better.
Stacie,
First off, I forgot how much Wolfman Jack scared me when I was a little boy. I’m not scared of him now because I’m a grown man, and he’s dead. But back then, I thought he would chew my face off if we ever met.You know, like a wolfman would. Also I wish Whitesnake would make a new video for Here I Go Again, where a drugged up Tawny Kitean dances on David Coverdale’s car until she nods off and security forcibly removes her and she comes to and smashes a bunch of shit. I think we all could enjoy something like that. I wish i could rub the side of your face with the back of my hand to judge your hairlessness, but alas, I can’t. So I’ll just take your word for it.
Bill
Tawny Kitean was so badass back in the day. So many women talk about killing their husbands, but she had the balls to actually try. She was kind of my hero until she got so ugly.
One more thing I’ll have to feel guilty about for not doing. I wear sunscreen, eat skin-healthy foods, and take care of my skin at night, but that’s about it. I don’t have time for these other procedures, nor do I have the desire, so I just pretend they don’t exist and that no other women do them. That way I don’t have to think about how much better I could look. So I guess my vellous hair isn’t going anywhere, and my eyebrows will remain thick and poorly arched. After all, my kids love having things to make fun of me about. Why deprive them of that?…
Funny and enjoyable post as always!!
You strike me as someone who is naturally beautiful, Carrie, and fairly hairless except in the places where you want it. I could hate you for that, but you’re just too nice. =p
You’re sweet to say such kind things. Natural beauty? Doubtful. It’s called Clinique. But I am fairly hairless in the sense that those little beasts tend to be lighter in color and thus not as noticeable. Of course, that means I have pale skin as a result. You win one; you lose one. Sigh.
I can’t believe I just stumbled on you. Here’s the horror. All of a sudden I have…
{this little mustache}
And, like you, my child was the one who pointed it out.
Ouch.
And um, he’s 14.
So it was kind like this: Dude, you need to shave.
And he was all: You need to shave.
And I said: No, I’m serious.
And he said: I’m serious, too. You’re mustache is better than mine.
Whaaaat?
But {gasp} he was right.
So now I’m looking a creams and considering wax and other stuff. But I do not want stubble, and most of my stuff falls under the heading of blonde fuzz {except for a few rogue pieces that are course as goat hair. Holy crap. When did this happen? Wasn’t I a high school hottie?
I want my whole face to be dermablasted. STAT. 😉
Renee,
From the look of your picture, you’re BARELY out of high school. I could hate you for that, but I could also be your mother in some straight-to-redbox movie, and I’m not really into being mean to kids. My best advice while you’re young? Hit that shit fast and hard. It only gets worse as you age.
Thanks for the visit. I’m not always this irreverent when I write, but I have the most fun when I am!
Stacie
Hilarious, cutiepie. I’m extremely lucky when it comes to facial and body hair. 🙂
You are! I always knew you were one of those lucky people who only had hair in all the right places. Love ya…..
I moved from Denver to Chicago about a year ago. It’s really cold here, of course. And I’ve noticed my face has an awful lot of little blond hairs. I think they came to keep me warm. I was a little self-conscious about it and then when I got on my computer the other day the “word of the day” (which I can’t seem to find anymore or remember, but it started with a ‘b”) and it meant facial hair…what? And now, your post today…I get it! Okay, I’m growing a beard and I need to do something about it!
How funny. I moved from Chicago to Denver, but it was almost 9 years ago. Two great places to live, but yes, it’s colder there than here. I swear I never noticed that blonde/white fuzz on my face until my daughter pointed it out. And then I really noticed it. The great thing about dermaplaning, though, (serious comment) is that it’s relatively inexpensive and takes the dead skin off with the hair. Stay warm in Chicago, and if you get the chance, stop by my fav Italian restaurant…I think it’s about the 3300 block of Halsted: Mia Francesca. It’s been around forever (I’m that old) but is still one of the best. Thanks for stopping by!
That is funny. They are two great cities. Okay, I’ll check it out, the dermaplane and the restaurant!
Hysterical, Stacie! Bless our children’s little honest hearts. A while back, Sophie gave me one of those do-it-yourself pottery gifts. A spoonholder with a speckled veneer. She said, “Mommy, it looks just like you.” I gave her a confused look, because no one had ever confused me for a spoon holder before. Then she said, “You both have polka-dots!”
Ah, all the age spots running rampant on my face. Maybe Lisa can dermaplane them off. Imma gonna look her up.
Thanks for making me laugh out loud!
Thanks for making me smile, Beth! Lisa is the best. I promise. And I’ve never noticed age spots on you. That’s a double-promise. =)
What’s wrong with me? I’m thinking, Oh, some people look so cute and furry with that kind of peach fuzz on them. My ex had a layer of what appeared to be pale fuzz on his face — there’s something virginal about it to me — strange right. I’m glad that you’re satisfied with your skin now however. That Mike Tyson comeback was a good one!
Peach fuzz on a dude is OK. Peach fuzz on a woman is kind of zombieish (personal opinion). Thanks for the read and comment, Sandee. Hope you’re well.
PS, what happened to Sword-Chinned Bitch?
A blogger I like referred to me using the moniker. Suddenly, the name in print on her blog, struck me as harsh. My brother had called me this during a fight when we were kids and as an adult I mentioned it to a couple of people and they laughed hysterically, so I thought I’d use it.
From time to time I wondered if people would think I was referring to myself as a bitch by using this name, while I was only being tongue and cheek — I wondered if people would get that. I thought, probably not everyone, so I changed it.
I’m one of those who doesn’t think that being a bitch is a powerful thing — I’m not anti-calling-people-a-bitch, I just don’t think it means strength of character. I think it’s a weakness. I have principals and stand up for them and sometimes with fervor but I always try to be respectful.
Strength comes from not being afraid to be kind — it’s easy to lash out and be mean just for the hell of it — anybody can do that. I’ve had weak moments where I’ve done that.
Sooooo, to answer your question on Sword-chinned bitch — hahahaha — sorry for the mini-post Stacie!
What a great answer. I think you’re right. It’s the beginnings of a post in and of itself. Something to think about…xoxo
Oh, Stacie, you are a brave, brave woman. See, I have no problems with fuzzy facial hair. Why? Two things: I’m deaf so I wouldn’t even hear my kids telling me I looked like a werewolf. And I have bad eyesight, so when I look in the mirror, I can’t even see the hair or wrinkles or bags. I am SO lucky!
Whenever my mom comes to visit I pluck her for the same reason. She says she can’t see what’s growing from her chin. I can. I figure she changed my diapers for years so it’s the least I can do. =)
You’re one of the few writers who could get me to look at, and past, some of the photographs in this post. And that was a great comeback to your daughter. I hope you showed her the picture of Mike Tyson, just to reinforce the effect.
Thank you for stopping by to read one of my more moronic posts, Charles. Your writing is so mutl-layered, deep, and fantastic. I can’t decide if I should write next about the Pope or how much I miss my big 80s hair. That’s the Gemini in me. You never know what’s coming next, and neither do I. =)
Great to start the day with a laugh (or five), thanks Stacie! I love that you have a furry face! Well, not love, LOVE, but love to the point that I no longer feel like a granny with a single whisker growing out of my chin. Yes, like a crone, or witch or sea lion! It has a profile and grows back more robust every time I pluck it. I need to get scraped… Thanks for the 411, and I love your cross-outs in this post!
Thanks for reading and opening up about your chin whisker, Laura. If we can laugh at ourselves it makes listening to others laugh at us that much easier, right?
xoxo
Indeed. Especially when the laughing “others” are often the offspring who would not exist were it not for us! Hairy faces and all.
Hilarious and resourceful as always! Peach fuzz is the reason I have given up checking my side profile in the mirror. That and the premenstrual chin whisker. I might give dermaplaning a try, and just hope that it doesn’t accentuate my strawberryesque pores.
The only thing I find the least bit comforting about aging is that I’m now blind and can see little of the “fuzz” on my own face unless I use one of those mirrors that magnifies it like 10 times. I hate to think about another couple of decades might bring! Hilarious post, Stacie!
Hugs,
Kathy
I feel honored that you took the time to stop by considering all the exciting things going on in your life. I doubt there’s dermaplaning in Equador, so leave those magnifying mirrors behind. Thanks for stopping by!
Found this an absolutely smashing post with great thoughts and perspectives.
Shakti
Another good reason to move to Colorado. Now I’m too horrified to enter my own bathroom and look in the mirror…although I shouldn’t be since my failing eyesight makes me look like one of William Shatner’s love interests in an old Star Trek episode.
It could be worse. You could be Tawny Kitean. =p
I’m not going to lie, some mornings I look a little Tawny.
Probably pre-meth, though.
Depends on the morning.
Funny stuff Stacie and I think you’re in the lead for the highest number of strikethroughs in a single post for 2013. 🙂
Yes! I’m a winner! Thanks Jed!
Lol, this post certainly made me feel old seeing I do remember wild man jack and the bad A Tawney. As a mom of three, who never cease to give delight in reminding me of my occasional “billygoat” hairs, my only recommendation is to never take a razor to your face, no matter how bad you think the peach fuzz looks. I have a neighbor who does just this, and when I caught her on a down day, well lets just say it wasn’t a pretty sight. And forget about the facial peels that you get a the drug stores, they will only rip the hair off your face as well as the dead skin they’re suppose to remove. As I have no words of advice as to what to do with the peach fuzz one might have, I can only say what I do and that is just roll with it. I too have some peach fuzz and there’s no way on earth I would ever consider removing it. Great post
You’re too funny. I laughed like crazy reading the post. My ADD almost didn’t let me finish it a couple of times but I was hooked so I had to keep reading
I know, painfully long, right? I’m glad it made you laugh, SSG!
Well, I wouldn’t say painfully, no. But as anyone with ADD/ADHD will agree I have a lot of trouble reading anything that has more than two paragraphs 😛
But this one, I just had to!
I love how when I get my eyebrows waxed they always ask, lip, lip? Need lip too? I never thought I had a mustache but apparently I do. Makes me laugh everytime.
I pluck my lip, Maura. Don’t tell anyone. =p
I’m glad I found your blog. I think you’re mad. Er… I mean, like me. That’s… a compliment! 😉
Val, I take it as such. You aren’t a Gemini, by chance, are you? =)
Hey! I just wanted to stop by and say that I read your blog at work and on many occasions I have almost go caught because I’m laughing silently and I’m shaking so hard that people think I’m having a seizure or something.
But. I love your blog!! And this story especially!!! I will have to see if someone here does dermaplaning because thanks to my wonderful mother…. I have hair growing in places it should not grow at age 20!! Thanks so much!! You are amazing!!
Your comment just made my day. I love it when I get new readers, ESPECIALLY when they’re getting paid to read my rantings. Thank you SOOOOOOO much!
This was such an informative post, believe me i know what you felt wen ur lill sweetheart told you about the hair, it was my hubby who showed light to me..!!
funny work… enjoying
Thanks Dean!
good to see you