It’s that time of year again when the U.S. male population exists solely on pork rinds, queso, and Miller Light, worker productivity falls 3,000%, and people stop spitting on math majors.
“I just love March Madness!” Image via lifestyleet.com
That’s right, March Madness is here, and with it, your chance to skim a billion dollars right out of Warren Buffet’s polyester pants by creating a perfect NCAA tournament bracket.
Who needs a bitcoin when you have a million freaskishly huge bags of cash? Image via gstatic.com
Everyone knows that with the right guidance and a lot of tequila, a billion dollar bracket is yours for the making. Because Gemini Girl likes winners (and pretty people with shiny teeth) I’m here to show you a foolproof method to do something considered statistically impossible by everyone at Berkshire Hathaway, Yahoo, and His Emperorship, USSR Czar Vladimir Putin (er, I mean President of Russia and someday soon, the world).
“I pick Republic of Florida to win tourney, then I get on boat, invade nude beaches, and steal most happiest place on earth for Mother Russia!” Image via businessinsider.com
A Number’s Just a Number Until it’s a Winning Powerball Ticket
Everyone thinks bracket rankings are meaningful, but Gemini Girl says don’t believe the hype. Just because Florida’s only been to the tournament once (1 Florida) and Coastal Carolina’s been, like, sixteen times (16 Coastal Car.) doesn’t necessarily mean the Coastal Chanticleers should be in your final four. Why? Because their mascot is from Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales and everyone who took A.P. English knows that book blows. Any team represented by a Middle English rooster is a guaranteed first round loser, plus, the only mascot I’d ever put money on is Smeagol.
Smeagol invested his tourney winnings in Lebron James. Image via dailypicksandflicks.com
Never Underestimate the Well-Endowed Team
Not the cheerleaders, the school with serious cash on hand. Cheerleaders are athletes too so stop laughing.
They’re real, and they’re spectacular! Image via cracked.com
Anyway, everyone knows that in order to build a successful college basketball program, you have to provide recruits with a lot of Benzies, babes, and weed. Not every deep-pocket donor feels comfortable carpooling to the local strip club with a freshman phenom though, and that’s where an institution’s endowment really comes into play. According to Forbes magazine, Harvard has more money than the entire GDP of the USSR (we all know that’s exactly where Putin is going, so don’t be a hater).
“First I take Republic of Mickey Mouse then I sneak up lazy river to take capital of U.S.A…Las Vegas!” Image via businessinsider.com.
If you ask Gemini Girl, deep-pocket donors = recruit lap dances = Letters of Intent = guaranteed Final Four appearance. Get it? All those math majors who think anyone cares about their groundbreaking algorithms can suck it. Combine Harvard’s greenbacks with the fact that they’ve appeared in the tournament twelve times (12 Harvard), and you’ve got a combo that’s screaming final four.
This dude loves throwing cash around at Juicy Lucy’s, but don’t tell the Tea Party I said so. Image via datingolders.com.
When in Doubt, Go to Your Happy Place
Sometimes the NCAA men’s selection committee throws everyone for a loop and chooses a team no one’s ever heard of, like Nebraska, probably because Warren Buffet paid them all off. A lot of people don’t realize it’s even a state, and since most guys I know cut geography in high school to go smoke weed with the freshman basketball phenom, things can get a little confusing when trying to make winning first round picks that include areas of the country which might not even be real.
Not a basketball phenom. Image via perezhilton.com
In order to maximize efficiency and minimize the likelihood of the dude in the cubicle next to you who wears a Dennis Rodman Bulls jersey to work, like, every day calling you a poser, use Gemini Girl’s Word Association Tool to make perfect first round tourney picks.
“I’m so Russdiculous!” Image via baconsports.com
Example 1
Memphis: Elvis
George Washington: Wig
Word Association Winner? Elvis
Example 2
Oregon: Duck
BYU: Polygamy
Word Association Winner? Polygamy
Example 3
Colorado: Weed
Pittsburgh: Blah
Word Association Winner? Weed
“March whhaaattt?” Image via thejointshop.blogspot.com
It’s like, freakishly easy, right?
So there you have it. As soon as you gather all of your well-endowed friends at a random happy place to buy a winning lottery ticket you’re pretty much guaranteed a perfect tournament bracket. But please, don’t tell anyone that Gemini Girl gave you the winning edge. Tell everyone. Then cut me in on 15% of your pre-tax earnings and get me an autographed picture of Warren Buffet (but if you have to use the Word Association Winner tool in an either/or scenario, I’ll take the cash).
***
If you’d like to fill out a 2014 NCAA Men’s Tournament bracket and win $1,000,000,000, go here: How to fleece Warren Buffet!
If you’d like to find the closest strip club to your office, go here: Don’t tell my girlfriend!
If you think Nebraska is ground zero for paranormal activity, go here: Nebraska is for losers!
READING BETWEEN THE PINES 
Ha! Warren Buffett stills owes me $17.50 for those Omaha steaks I sent him last March.
Good luck getting more pocket change out of him.
Apparently my Word Association Winner tool is broken. I’m already out of the billion dollar hunt, so if you’d like to send some Omaha steaks my way I’m game. Thanks for the visit Guap! =)
I’ve gotta say, you’re word association method is a taut, more refined version of my annual “this is the most sure fire way to lose your pool” exercise of applying my patent mix of basic knowledge and ration-less impulse to assemble a bracket that finds last place before the end of the first round.
Example logic includes:
1. A girl from Kentucky broke my heart. That team must lose.
2. Xavier starts with an “x.” They will surely make the Final Four.
3. I’m really loving the “z” in Gonzaga. Elite Eight for them.
4. Everyone that roots for Florida is a bad person. A pox upon that team!
5. Ohio State has blown it every time I’ve relied on them to deny Florida a championship (in multiple sports!). I don’t trust them at all.
Now that I play against my girlfriend’s family, most of which I probably won’t meet until our hypothetical wedding, I am beginning to reconsider the approach and I’m looking into plagiarizing from “experts” this year.
This was a great read btw (your post, not my comment. Well maybe my comment too.)
Dear Brantley Newton,
A comment with such thought and wit deserves a post in and of itself. I like the way you think, and on the meeting the in-laws front remember:
1. In-laws instantly like a guy who isn’t afraid to pair a ponytail with plaid.
2. They won’t get your jokes.
3. Never tell your girlfriend wife she looks just like her mother. Like, ever.
4. Future parents love catching you naked with their daughter in the middle of the night, but just to be safe, sweep the house for ammo before giving them the biggest surprise of their lives.
Cheers and thanks for the visit!
Gemini Girl
Those tips seem like pure common sense, but I had never thought of them before.
I grew out my hair enough for a pony tail in high school. It was a hot mess, but my ridiculous chlorine-bleached frizzy/curly hair came in handy for a recreation of the famous painting, “Washington Crossing the Delaware.” Poop old George had to don a wig to rock that white-haired swag. God saw fit to put it directly on my head. Back then I was a little flannel away from being drafted into a 90s grunge band. Granted it was 2006 at the time, but those grunge rockers have always been cunning with their time travel!
I don’t even bother with the jokes. I try to stick to trite “grown up” topics like the economy and foreign affairs. They probably just assume that I sit around and watch CNN all day, but it sure beats the look that my girlfriend gave me when I exposed my belief that I need to always wear my dark blue socks with my brown shoes. Apparently that’s “not a thing.”
As for looking like her mother, the pair of them showed me an old year book photo of her mother that looks exactly like the daughter. I don’t remember what I said to that, only that I didn’t say what I was thinking as I studied her mother’s current appearance: “Okay, I can work with that.”
As for number 4, I’ve been trying to convince my girlfriend of this for years, but even with all of this wit and the corresponding charm that accompanies it, I can’t seem to get through to her. Maybe this ringing endorsement from a total stranger on the Internet is just what I needed to help her see things my way.
You and I have a good rapport. We should borrow a grunge band’s time machine and go on a 60’s USO tour together.
Bite your tongue Brantley Newton. I was born in 1988. =p
Dude I got samesies! What day in 1988?
OK so maybe I lied a little. I DID graduate from high school in 1988, though. Great year for big bangs.
I’m a Gemini…duh! June 17. =)
Priceless! One of your best yet!! Just out of curiosity, will we be enjoying a blog from Costa Rica? I’m sure you can find something to entertain us with from down there. Enjoy the trip!!
Thanks sista. I’m currently in a sentimental mood re: an American Idol contestant. Like anyone but me watches American Idol anymore, right? love ya bunches!
I’m lost on numbers and brackets, but the Word Association really hit home! Yay! I guess the trick is to set up a sex/scandal/debauchery word against something relatively benign, like a duck? Or a plant? It’s making sense!! So happy to glean your winning tips on March Madness (love the Smeagol pic too!), now I have to go buy a lottery ticket… xxxL
Who knew Smeagol spelled his name Smeagol? I would have guessed it was, like Schmegal. Or Scmegol. Or something. Thank you for taking the time to read something you have absolutely no interest in. That’s sister-love right there. xoxo
Oh, so THAT’S what my husband’s been talking about. He was all excited at dinner saying “we all need to create a bracket; we all need to create a bracket.” As soon as I heard the words March Madness I zoned out. Now his enthusiasm makes sense. 😉
Did you use my word association tool when you filled out your bracket? I hope not because if you had you’d be in the dumpster right now (how does Mercer beat Duke? I mean a Duke is a super-important person and I don’t even know what a Mercer is).
Thanks for the read and comment, Carrie. Hope you and your amazing writing career are well. =)
‘amazing writing career’—-Hahaha. Thanks, I needed a good Friday laugh. 🙂
I’m serious! You’ve produced more in a year than I have in an entire lifetime.
Well, let’s hope the second one sees publication before my lifetime ends…
It will!
I am not very knowledgeable about the topics in this blog post but I wanted to say “hi” to my adorable friend. 🙂 xo
Love you WriterWendyReid. Hope you’re well and thanks for the visit. =)
Thank you for finally explaining this to me. I always thought “March Madness” was some kind of spring sale. Apparently we aren’t having spring this year…it is going to remain winter…so I was confused.
And from such a smart woman! think we should make March Madness a sale where everything we love is 90% off, because I’ve been about 90% off in all of my tourney picks.
Thanks for the read and comment!
There is somewhere on the Web encouraging ‘Christian’ bracket, how is that for strange? This I think is far better.
Yes because I can use bad words on mine and don’t have to confess my sins. Thanks for the visit Valentine. I’m thinking about you!
Oh, so THAT’S what Sid was talking about yesterday… I had no idea it was a big thing.
You’re so funny!
I love you and Sid. Is it possible that you met on my blog? I want you to figure it out because I’ve always wanted to be a love connector. =)
aaaaaaw thanks!
To be honest I don’t remember who’s blog it was. All I remember is that it was a post about a cat named Toby. I commented saying that I had had a black cat named Toby as well and that I missed him very much and then Sid replied to my comment saying that it seemed to him that Toby was a popular name among blogger’s cats.
Do you or did you ever blog about a cat named Toby?
It’s not me! Boo. I love you too together. It’s a bonafide WordPress romance!
he he THAT it is 🙂
Even though I don’t understand a word of that, and I loathe basketball with a passion … go up one end, score … go down the other end, score … repeat until asleep … I found that article funny. Which is one hell of a big up to you, young Chadders. More please.
If for nothing else, at least for the pictures of Vladimir Putin, right? I’ll be by shortly. Off to get my nails done. Hope you’re well my friend and thanks for the visit!
It’s as good a system as anyone else’s.
No, Mary. Better. Much, much better. Thanks for the visit and read!
Thanks for the tips – glad you made it so easy for me to win and pay off all my debt! 🙂 PS – I agree with Putin on his pick!
Remember Stella, if you win the $1B, I only need 15%. Thanks for the read and have a great spring break!
I never really knew what March Madness was. Now that I understand, I still don’t see why anyone would be so engrossed in it. I should really turn in my ‘I’m a Male’ badge, at this point.
Your secret’s safe with me, Calahan. Thanks for the read and visit. Hope you and your 100 year-old grandmother are doing well!
I’ve missed visiting you, Stacie, so it’s nice to stop by.
Everyone is doing great, by the way. 🙂
Ah, Gemini Girl, I actually have no idea what this post is about… (a sideways look at the geopolitical fallout of the Russia – Ukraine – Crimea cock-up [I love UK slang, don’t you?], a witty look at the underbelly of U.S. College sports funding?)… I don’t know.
So here I am, doing my best to absorb the wisdom of GG, reading all the words in your post (I can usually get by reading every fourth word) and what do you do? Throw in a picture of boobs! Ah, dudette, that’s dirty pool right there! No fair! One look at those and my IQ drops 50 points! Bam!
You can’t be putting pictures of boobs in your posts and then expect me to understand what you are writing about. The male brain is a complex, but limited, mechanism. As such, it’s processing capability is limited to three (3) main categories, broken down as follows:
Boobs and anything to do with boobs: 98%
Miley Cyrus: 1%
Everything else: 1%
So please let me use the 1% of intelligent RAM I have left and don’t be showing pictures of boobs without fair warning.
Thank you GG, love your show, hope you get renewed next year, when are you gonna be on Kimmel?
Inphiluencer,
Even though you’ve abandoned FB, I’m so happy you still visit me here (happier, actually). I thought that by combining NCAA tourney advice and boobs I’d get EVERY LAST MAN ON EARTH over to my blog. Total hook. I kind of failed, but I got you, and that’s all that matters.
Hope all is well, my friend.
GG
All good thanks. Will be back on FB Jan 1st. 2015. Keep on keepin’ on GG. All the best.
Your suggestions make more sense than many analysts! Thanks for the grins … and for stopping by during my packing and unpacking time. …. Plus, thanks for the scoop on the endowments!
It’s always fun to hang out with friends when they’re redecorating…as long as they don’t ask you to move any furniture. =)
This time we hired movers …. so we’ve asked very little of friends! 😀
I think Canada should get to send one team to the tournament, and it should be Saskatchewan, just so they have to make the boxes bigger.
I love that idea but will my word association tool work in another language? =p