As fall break kicks into high gear, Gemini Girl is back with a guide to parenting. And cocktailing. But not necessarily in that order.
The Newborn Stage
There’s nothing quite like the joy of birthing your first child until you peer down at the area formerly known as your waist to find a post-delivery fat roll that looks a lot like a Yugo’s spare tire. So what’s the alcohol antidote to this unexpected surprise? A $5.99 box of wine. It’s cheap (those 529 plans don’t fund themselves), takes minor hand-eye coordination to open, and based on your inability to get anywhere other than the pediatrician’s office, is the perfect solution to a long afternoon of burps and blowouts. Plus, if you down a couple of Sunset Blush spritzers and crash into that three-hour block of quasi-sleep you get the satisfying reward of waking up to pump and dump and start the cycle all over again.
The Toddler Years
Toddlers are super-fun but way more intense than newborns because they move in every direction except those that make sense. I suggest ditching alcohol altogether at this stage because it’s just too dangerous to drink. Letting your child plunge face-first into the dog’s water bowl while you’re mixing a 17-ingredient Bloody Mary isn’t cool, so if you have to pop the top off something, take it easy and go for a light beer. Drinking is more about hydration than libation at this point, yet it still feels like you’ve earned a prestigious award for enduring your kid’s journey through the gerbil tunnel at Chuck E Cheese.
The Elementary School Years
At this point your children are gaining independence but aren’t old enough to steal your car and take it for a pre-license spin to Smoothie King because their health app says they’re kimchi-deficient. This is your house party stage where exotic drinks like Elderflower Margaritas can flow like water. Take advantage of this time, because life’s about to change.
The Middle School Years
Now your budding teenagers know everything and you know nothing. Since they could care less what you’re doing unless it involves cruising by the ATM, take cocktailing to a new level and build a vodka luge in your back yard. Your kids already think you’re crazy, and really? Who cares about the neighbors. Life’s only getting shorter.
The High School Years
With teenagers come fun issues like driving, independence, social media, and blown curfews. It’s a great time for new family games like “Lock the Liquor Cabinet” and the teen version better known as “Roll the House to Find the Key.” At this point you have three cocktail goals: quick, cheap and strong. Go straight to doing shots.
As your kids grow up and away, consider this advice a road map to your next life phase – the Empty Nester Years. Now you can once again do what you when you want, and day drinking becomes a thing. Just do me a favor and don’t drink and drive. You’re way smarter than your kids think you are, plus there’s no Elderflower Margarita in jail.
PSA – Gemini Girl eats breakfast for dinner, thinks crosswalks are dumb, and uses humor to fuel a burgeoning 14 hour workday. Don’t take what she says seriously and please don’t follow her advice because she’s 100% not qualified to offer any. She’s all about the lighter side of life, her PEZ dispenser collection, and TikTok.