READING BETWEEN THE PINES

If life's about the journey, does it matter how many bathroom breaks you take along the way?

As fall break kicks into high gear, Gemini Girl is back with a guide to parenting. And cocktailing. But not necessarily in that order.

The Newborn Stage

There’s nothing quite like the joy of birthing your first child until you peer down at the area formerly known as your waist to find a post-delivery fat roll that looks a lot like a Yugo’s spare tire. So what’s the alcohol antidote to this unexpected surprise? A $5.99 box of wine. It’s cheap (those 529 plans don’t fund themselves), takes minor hand-eye coordination to open, and based on your inability to get anywhere other than the pediatrician’s office, is the perfect solution to a long afternoon of burps and blowouts. Plus, if you down a couple of Sunset Blush spritzers and crash into that three-hour block of quasi-sleep you get the satisfying reward of waking up to pump and dump and start the cycle all over again.

 

Carrying a spare tire on your belly is a great way to maximize trunk space and store nuts for the winter at the same time.

The Toddler Years

Toddlers are super-fun but way more intense than newborns because they move in every direction except those that make sense. I suggest ditching alcohol altogether at this stage because it’s just too dangerous to drink. Letting your child plunge face-first into the dog’s water bowl while you’re mixing a 17-ingredient Bloody Mary isn’t cool, so if you have to pop the top off something, take it easy and go for a light beer. Drinking is more about hydration than libation at this point, yet it still feels like you’ve earned a prestigious award for enduring your kid’s journey through the gerbil tunnel at Chuck E Cheese.

 

Fossilized feces, a possible strain of an as-yet unidentified disease, and a creepy mouse = family fun!

The Elementary School Years

At this point your children are gaining independence but aren’t old enough to steal your car and take it for a pre-license spin to Smoothie King because their health app says they’re kimchi-deficient. This is your house party stage where exotic drinks like Elderflower Margaritas can flow like water. Take advantage of this time, because life’s about to change.

 

The Middle School Years

Now your budding teenagers know everything and you know nothing. Since they could care less what you’re doing unless it involves cruising by the ATM, take cocktailing to a new level and build a vodka luge in your back yard. Your kids already think you’re crazy, and really? Who cares about the neighbors. Life’s only getting shorter.

 

Just joking. Nothing about a vodka luge says “Parent of the Year”. It does say “Perp Alert of the Day” on nextdoor.com so that’s kind of fun.

The High School Years

With teenagers come fun issues like driving, independence, social media, and blown curfews. It’s a great time for new family games like “Lock the Liquor Cabinet” and the teen version better known as “Roll the House to Find the Key.” At this point you have three cocktail goals: quick, cheap and strong. Go straight to doing shots.

As your kids grow up and away, consider this advice a road map to your next life phase – the Empty Nester Years. Now you can once again do what you when you want, and day drinking becomes a thing. Just do me a favor and don’t drink and drive. You’re way smarter than your kids think you are, plus there’s no Elderflower Margarita in jail.

PSA – Gemini Girl eats breakfast for dinner, thinks crosswalks are dumb, and uses humor to fuel a burgeoning 14 hour workday. Don’t take what she says seriously and please don’t follow her advice because she’s 100% not qualified to offer any. She’s all about the lighter side of life, her PEZ dispenser collection, and TikTok. 

7 thoughts on “Gemini Girl’s Guide to Cocktails and Parenting

  1. Simon says:

    Instead of a side dish maybe I will bring a vodka luge to Thanksgiving lol

    1. Right! A vodka luge would be way more fun than gluten-free stuffing. Nice to see you Simon!

  2. jalsails says:

    Good one! That’s why my friends formed The Friday Night Cold Beer Club, which we later amended to the Cold Beer Club because some weeks have more than one Friday.

    1. I love those weeks when you have multiple Fridays! I need more of them though. Thanks for stopping by – keep mom in line at work.

  3. Angelena Saiz Gleason says:

    I love reading your blogs!! They always make me smile, laugh and sometimes cry. Keep ’em coming…please. .

    1. Thank you Angelena. It makes me so happy that you read what I have to say. I truly appreciate your generous comments. Love you!

  4. D K Powell says:

    Pretty close to my parenting experiences over the last 19 years I’ll admit 😏

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: