If life's about the journey, does it matter how many bathroom breaks you take along the way?

Before getting Freshly Pressed, I read all the advice on how to get…Freshly Pressed.  Like, 24/7.  I won’t regurgitate it here because you’ve all read it too.  Like, 24/7.

I have no proof, but it’s my opinion that there’s a super-secret, critical factor (plus a back-up plan) necessary to get this honorable, if not Wizard of Ozish, Munchkin Mayor behind-the-mysterious-curtain designation.

The Wizard of Oz as pictured in The Wonderful ...

Image via Wikipedia

Because I believe in karma, a parallel universe, and the Tooth Fairy, I’m letting the genie out of the box to share it with you.

Secret Key: Find Your Blogging Bestie

While trolling Freshly Pressed late-night in the dark a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled on The Paltry Meanderings of a Taller Than Average Woman.  Well, I didn’t really stumble on it because it was in the pole position of all the best blogs that day, and I was actively searching for stuff to steal.  O.K. not really.  I’m a fairly honest person but since you don’t know me (unless you’re my mom) I shouldn’t say things like that.

Anyway, the title of the featured piece was (and still is…go check it out, like right now!) Why I Hate Witty People.  I immediately identified.

I’m that girl, who, in 6th grade, never uttered a word.  Especially when Crosby Middle School’s Queen Bee came up to me (which she did on a regular basis) and said,

Queen Bee (comics)

Image via Wikipedia

“I don’t like your Hello Kitty lunchbox.  You’re not my friend anymore and I’m officially not inviting you to the best Ouija board, spooky ghost story, popcorn with melty M&Ms, stay up all night ‘cause Mom and Dad don’t care, pretend to be Charlie’s Angels in my creepy basement birthday party ever.”

On demand, she could connect whatever was going through her huge, cantalopish head, right to her ginormous mouth, and project it like Whitney Houston (before she self-destructed and ruined an otherwise megastar career).

English: Whitney Houston talking to the audien...

Pre-meltdown. Image via Wikipedia

Because there was a parallel universe swirling through my head at all times, however, where I was in fact, a very funny and unusually loud person, I’d come up with fifteen comebacks to say right to her face, so that I could recite them one after the other and scream, “In your face!

Unfortunately, it was always ten minutes after she’d turned on her Dr. Scholled heel and walked away that I figured this out.

Why I Hate Witty People is an incredibly witty (irony!), laugh-out-loud essay about why Cristy Carrington, the uber-intelligent author, doesn’t like witty people.  The fact that she doesn’t like witty people is funny in and of itself, because she’s such a hilarious person (She’s secretly a double blog agent, love it!).  Anyway, when I finished this essay, a little buzzed from my warm beer by the bed and once again unable to sleep, I decided to stalk her until she agreed to be my blog bestie.  As it turns out, this was a good idea.

How to Get A Cool Blog Bestie

Step One: Find a blog you love on Freshly Pressed.

Step Two: Get some kind of weird, tingly feeling (and not from your leftover abscessed-tooth Vicodin) when you read her stuff, as if you could have written it yourself on a good day, in a parallel universe, maybe.

English: Hydrocodone bitartrate 7.5 mg / ibupr...

Image via Wikipedia

Step Three: Make a funny, yet somewhat pitiful comment on her awesome essay that you secretly wish you’d written, like, “Hey, loved your blog so much I now have blog envy.  So thanks for making me feel like a loser.”

Step Four: Perform some kind of Freshly Pressed sacrifice, ideally on your neighbor’s cat, but if you don’t have a neighbor, any one of your kids who’s all “blah, blah, blah, blekity blah,” and in your face at the moment will do.

Step Five: Wait.  Please don’t check every five minutes to see if she’s commented on your comment.  You’ve got more pride than that and the magic site stat genie is recording your clicks.

Step Six: O.K. Go ahead and check.  It’s almost cocktail hour and you don’t want to risk offending her by writing something creepy when you’re drunk.

Martini Spash

Image via Wikipedia

Step Seven: Read her comment.  If she’s all “Sorry to make you feel bad, but maybe you’ll rock like me someday,” she’s opening the bestie door for you to respond.  On the other hand, if she says, “Sorry to make you feel bad, but I checked out your blog and totally understand,” abort.  This relationship is going nowhere.

Step Eight: Reply back, but not until tomorrow because you’re pretty buzzed now and don’t want to appear as pathetic as you feel.

Step Nine: Wake up, shotgun a triple-espresso Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks, and respond with an everything-in-your-pants-on-the-table reply along the lines of, “Rock like you?  Please.  Step back and check my flow.”  Then google an obscure Rihanna song from her first album, and copy the words.  You should probably put her name above it for credit and everything but I think it’s O.K. to use invisible ink.

Rated R (Rihanna album)

Image via Wikipedia

Step Ten: Watch in awe as this mutual blog bestie relationship in-development takes on a life of its own.  Your comments back and forth should be so natural and, well, funny (unless it’s a blog about stalkers), that you have to double-check her site from time to time just to make all of this free-flowing fun is real.

Step Ten and a half: On the other hand, if your future blog bestie’s second comment to your sober, ball’s-up post goes something like, “Hey gizbot.  Take it somewhere else. You’re totally freaking me out and I’m gonna call the cops,” with a lot of blah, blah, blah, blekity blah legalese at the bottom?  Abort.  You’ve gotten a little further, but this relationship is also going…nowhere.

We’re gonna assume that didn’t happen though, because life is all about positive thinking, and now you’re in super-awesome bestie blogland, where the sun always shines and dreams really do come true.

Step Eleven: You and your new blog bestie cross-promote each other, talk about your husbands’ weird toes, cross-promote each other some more, promise to rendezvous in Cabo as soon as the bank will let you use credit cards again, and figure out more ways to cross-promote each other.

Español: Atardecer en Cabo San Lucas

Image via Wikipedia

Step Twelve: Your blog bestie, who you found on Freshly Pressed, responds to a 7×7 Link Blog Award, and features you (the “you” in this case would be me), in her post.  A couple of hours later, you (the “you” in this case would still be me) are Freshly Pressed.

Coincidence?  No freaking way.  And now you know the Super-Secret Key to Becoming Freshly Pressed.  I owe my bestie, Cristy, an almost unpayable debt, and unfortunately, she doesn’t want any of my kids.

That seems like a great place to end this blog-chapter, and if I were writing my novel, I’d stop.  Because I’d like a cocktail.  But I’m not working on my novel today, and it’s only 2:28, and I want you to get Freshly Pressed.  So I’m gonna keep going.  Plus, I just slammed a Coke with forty fun-filled grams of sugar, and I’m like, flying right now.

In the event that you simply don’t like people, I have a another plan.

Back-Up Secret Key

I noticed, after my post, “Why You Should Take A Day Off From New Year, New You,” a strange spike in traffic.  It was only my third blog, and technically, I shouldn’t have any noticeable hits at all.  Yet there they were.  So I started trolling my stats, and found some interesting, if not repetitive, search engine terms:

  • rajinikanth portrait paintings
  • rajinkanth without makeup
  • rajinkanth photos without make-up (apparently, Rajinkanth wears a lot of make-up for a dude)
  • rajinkanth straight face
  • rajinkanth old photos
  • rajinkanth portrait paintings
  • body paint in indian actor
  • loc india chin

This isn’t even twenty percent of what I’ve been picking up.  Since then, I’ve developed a ginormous following from India, and more hits on my site from Rajinkanth’s picture, who is apparently a huge megastar, than anything else.  Like, every day of the week.

And because I believe in a parallel universe where everything is connected and we’re all part of one big, happy light family and stuff like that (not really), I’m convinced that Rajinkanth has something to do with me being Freshly Pressed.  I’m serious.  And I’m sharing my secret with you.  Again.


Megastar Rajinakanth. Image via Wikipedia

I’m so certain that his presence, or spirit, or groovy retro hair and ‘stache played a role in the whole FP thing, that I’m bequeathing him to you.  Take him.  Please.  Figure out a way to include a Rajinkanth photo in your next post and watch the magic unfold.  And if your traffic doesn’t immediately pick up?  Check back in a few days and I’ll have a limited edition Rajinkanth statue for sale that you can buy direct and bury upside down in your front yard.  It’s only $19.99, so really, what do you have to lose?

And there you have it.  You’re officially on you way to being Freshly Pressed.  I can feel it.  Well, not really.  I can’t feel anything right now, especially my fingertips, from my self-propelled, sugar-induced typefest.  But I’m sure I’ll feel it tomorrow.

Glossary of Terms:

Genie: “Pseudonym for a feral child who spent nearly all of the first thirteen years of her life locked inside a bedroom strapped to a potty chair.”  I lifted this definition straight from Wikipedia.  I swear.  Go look.  One of the things I love about Wikipedia is that a crackhead on crack probably wrote this definition while he was tripping on crack and the Wikipedia genie hasn’t caught it yet.

Crackhead: I couldn’t resist adding this one from based on the definition above.  “A broke a_ _ mutha f_ _ _ a who relies on crack to sustain daily life. Often seen running at full speed for a multitude of reasons.”

(I’m using _s because I try to keep this blog suitably rated for the Disney crowd.  The Pirates of the Caribbean Disney crowd, that is.)

Trolling: My way of communicating late at night with a warm beer by the bed and zit cream on my face.  I’m usually looking for anything and everything that might get me Freshly Pressed.

Über: The absolute best, most awesome thing, like, “I’m über-excited to take a nap!” or “I’m so über-stoked that winter break is over and the ankle-biters are back in school!” or “I’m uber-serous.  I will cut you if you eat the last Cool Ranch Dorito.”

Blah, blah, blah, blekity blah: This is how my children respond any time I try to pass on the abundance of wisdom I have to offer.  It’s also what my husband hears when we attempt to verbally communicate (hence the two-part non-verbal communication blog).

Megastar: Rajinkanth, Indian film actor.  Demi Moore, pre-Skeletor phase.  Whitney Houston, pre-Bobby Brown.

Stalker: Me.

Gizbot: I don’t know. I just made it up.  It could be a robot that…..never mind.

108 thoughts on “The Super-Secret Key to Becoming Freshly Pressed that Nobody’s Ever Told You

  1. Cbowie says:

    The Indian dudes stand alone stash does it for me.

      1. hollybernabe says:

        He reminds me of an Indian Ron Jeremy.

      2. I have to admit, I had no idea who Rom Jeremy was until 30 seconds ago. You are so right and now I’ve found out about a super-creepy guy I’d rather forget. Thanks for the comment (I think)!

  2. christine says:

    Um, hilarious. I’ve got to say, though, a blogging bestie might have just expedited the process for you. You are seriously funny all by yourself.

    Buuut… I am the rotten blogger who gave Cristy that 7×7 assignment… I mean award… that she passed along to you. So… don’t you owe me, too? No? Maybe even a teeny bit?

    1. I DO owe you. Do you like old 80s movies on tape? I have a ton of those AND a VCR; they’re yours if you want. Just kidding. I can do better than than. Like a walkman. You are awesome, for multiple reasons, and I don’t see anything wrong with Cristy’s name. Looking forward to getting to know you better and THANK YOU for giving Cristy the 7×7 award. You are my second-in-command savior.

      1. christine says:

        Wow, that’s a tough call. I was kind of hoping you had something more along the lines of a scrunchie… but beggars can’t be choosers, right? Right!?

        My spelling karma (that intuits accurate spelling 99% of the time) must have stepped in at the laaaaaaast minute. I could have sworn I had spelled our tall pal’s name ending in an “i.”

        Cheers, funny lady!

      2. Thanks Christine! I’m coming to check out your blog tomorrow. I can totally feel the Christine/Cristy connection!

      3. christine says:

        Flatterer. And thanks. You are swell.

    2. I actually believe that Christine’s and my power lies in the fact that we have similar names – and those names sound a lot like Christmas. Everyone likes Christmas. Before you try to tell me that some people don’t, I will show you a gazillion Christmas presents that I’ve gotten from my Jewish friends over the years. They like to drink hot, spiked apple cider by the glow of our tree (eventually passing out under it) just like everyone else. But seriously, to think of me or Christine is to to think of twinkling lights, carolers, presents, candy canes, fat men in red suits, singing elves, granny run over by a reindeer and a lamp shaped like a stocking-clad leg. It our subliminal power and we wield like the benevolent dictators that we are.

      What does that have to do with Stacie? Nothing really, unless she wants to change her name. But she doesn’t really need to now, does she? She’s been Freshly Pressed and did it with a name that doesn’t sound anything like a popular holiday. I suspect talent could be involved here, but the Indian dude may have also alerted the wordpress gods to Stacie’s unique ability to draw a crowd. Then again, if you analyze her name, it does sound like she’s saying, “Stay! See!” In fact, she’s practically commanding her blog visitors – once again, subliminally – to stay and see what the Gemini Girl comes up with next. Then there’s all the funniness going on. I, for one, will stay and see – and not because she’s my blogging bestie, but because the photo of the Indian dude really is hypnotic.

      Love you, girl. Thanks for the ridiculous compliments, etc. I’m humbled. You rock! I’d quote a Rihanna song, but I really don’t know any. Something about an umbrella…

      1. Where do I start? What do I stop? How do I begin? Who am I? Regardless of my name and apparent confusion, I’m a huge fan of Christmas. In fact, we still have our tree up, and because it’s real, nobody goes in the family room anymore because the creepy brown needles get stuck between everyone’s toes (I don’t allow shoes on the carpet and I hate matching absorbent footwear, so we’re all barefoot pretty much 24/7, which is cool, especially when it’s snowing outside). Have you ever gotten a dead Christmas tree needle stuck between your toes? Let me tell you it hurts. A lot.

        Blog Bestie Love Right Back Atcha.

      2. christine says:

        Okay ladies, I’ve got a confession to make. I actually do twinkle. I know, I know, it sounds great. Like being “too thin” or “too smart” or “too witty (but then Cristy wouldn’t like me…).” But it is a burden, after all. To twinkle. So bright and shiny. I can be a bit of a headache. Sometimes, in fact, my friends have to wear their shades indoors. Woe is me. And them. Woe are we.

      3. I love shiny people. =)

  3. How has nobody commented on this beautiful post yet Stacie. Jeez people, read the whole thing and you’ll be seriously laughing….seriously laughing about some serious blogging advice. 😉


    1. I love to make you laugh, almost as much as being Freshly Pressed. Almost. Thanks for the great vibes. =)

  4. Okay, I got totally lost around step ten and half on “The Super-Secret Key to Becoming Freshly Pressed.” I thought I found some real step-by-step guide on becoming a WordPress idol only to get more confused by the requirements. I went back to read the about page which is what I usually do first then understanding hit me. Your sarcasm is VERY intimidating, lol! I’ve just been punked haha.

    1. It’s the real deal! I would never lead you astray. Buy the doll. I swear it’ll work. =)

  5. gingerjudgesyou says:

    HILARIOUS! Love your sense of humour!

    1. Thank you gingerjudgesyou, for judging me favorably. =)

      1. gingerjudgesyou says:

        This time… 😉

  6. Simon says:

    Now you’ve done it. I have more to say but my family is hungry and the drive through waits for no one. Yeah, it’s one of those nights. I’ll be back.

  7. Maura says:

    You don’t wear zit cream. Not with that Freshly Pressed face of yours. Another great piece of work. You are on a role funny girl!

    1. You just haven’t seen me with zit cream Maura and you’re really missing out. I miss you and SO appreciate all of your love and support.

  8. You used one of my already-favorite words (ginormous) in conjunction with my new-favorite word (cantalopish). Can we …can we be blogging besties?

    I’ll even make you a friendship bracelet, or one of those yarn hair wraps ( if you want.


    1. I used to love friendship pins, did you ever make any of those to tie on your shoelaces?
      Because I already have a blogging bestie, I would be breaking the ethical code of blogging besties if I did anything differently. Plus I would be two-faced which is the worst thing in the world any bestie could be. Plus you were probably just kidding which is kind of mean.

    2. knews2me says:

      Larissa…I’m free to be a blogging buddy but alas…I have not mastered the skill set of becoming freshly pressed quite yet.

      Feel free to check my blog regularly though since Stacie has so generously enlightened this blogging dipshitidot with the miracle cure to for fp-itis.

      p.s. my favorite colors are green and yellow. just wanted you to be able to plan ahead for my friendship bracelet!

      1. GREAT idea! I’m gonna change the name of my site to and charge everyone a zillion dollars to hook you up with your bestie. It’ll be the of the blogging world, and I’ll get rich. Woo Hoo!

    3. I can’t believe that Larissa is trying to move in on my blogging bestie action, here. Stacie, should I challenge her to duel? I guess I can’t blame her. You are a fantastic bestie…and you did tell her to find someone and become their blogging bestie in your post. Still, watch your back, Larissa. I’m on to you. The Clockwork Orange thing doesn’t scare me a bit. I eat Malcolm McDowell’s toe nail clipping for breakfast with my eggie-weggies.

      1. To anyone out there looking: A true-blue blogging bestie has to be willing to cut someone on your behalf. It’s a blood-blog oath kind of thing. Thank you Cristy, for wielding a shiv on my behalf.

        Larissa, if you haven’t called the cops by now, Cristy is just kidding. Sort of. I think.

  9. hollybernabe says:

    “Blah, blah, blah, blekity blah: This is how my children respond any time I try to pass on the abundance of wisdom I have to offer. It’s also what my husband hears when we attempt to verbally communicate…”

    Now see, I always think of the Charlie Brown cartoon adults and their “wah wah” manner of speech ( when people are speaking and “listening” becomes a foreign word.

    Wah wah wah blekity blah. I’m sorry. Did you say something?

    Great post!

    1. I love the combination of the two. Thanks for your clever comment!

      1. hollybernabe says:

        You’re welcome! Wait. That sounds all braggy like, “yeah, I know I’m all clever and stuff.” Trust me, I’m only average in clever-osity. Cleverous-ness Is those even words?

        Sigh. These comment boxes are harder than they look. But I’ll take the compliment! After the mind-numbing day I had today, I could use one.

      2. You ARE clever. I’d love to check out your site, tonight if I can stay awake, tomorrow if I can’t. =)

  10. ksnapped says:

    Dang, now I want a blogging bestie. And I’ll admit it – I started reading you because I read Cristy’s blog when she passed on the 7×7. What a good find! However, you made me want a cocktail and my clock just turned 5:04pm, so I’m off to find one.

    1. You have to search for your blogging bestie. It literally changed my life. Now I’m all stuck on myself (jj!). Enjoy your 5:04 p.m. cocktail. Due to my aforementioned sugar rush, I’m drinking a cup of decaf tea. =(

  11. knews2me says:

    have noted said process and am searching frantically for an adult beverage. thank you for such an awesome boost of enlightenment!

  12. knews2me says:

    p.s. the indian guy creeps me out. is that natural?

    1. OMG, totally. But don’t mention that on your blog when you post his pic. =)

  13. mystereum says:

    No comment! LOL Fun read!

  14. Misslisted says:

    Maybe I’ll put a pic of Ron Jeremy in my next blog post…

    1. No doubt. He’s a blog in and of himself. I’m coming to check out your site tomorrow!

  15. Beth says:

    I found you in Chrisy’s comments a few days before her 7×7 blog. I thought you were funny, so, I decided to check out your blog. I’m sure Christy led people to your blog, but, you’re a wonderful writer. Remember, you can lead a horse to the blog but you can’t make them read, like, or follow. 🙂
    Thanks for the advice. One again, you had me ellohelling.

    1. Thanks for your comment, Beth. I’ve been in a super silly mood all day, but now the caffeine is wearing off and I’m becoming more reflective. One of the great surprises about blogging for me has been the community aspect of it. I know the tone of my posts can be goofy, but I truly believe that without Cristy’s 7×7 post, we wouldn’t be talking right now (well, talk-writing) because I wouldn’t have been on FP. I love all of the wonderful people I’m meeting, and I’m looking forward to continuing the dialogue. I truly feel lucky and blessed….have a great night!

    2. So true, Beth! She is HIGH-sterical and she can string some words together very impressively!

      1. Awwww, you should know bestie!

  16. mommywritervkent says:

    Ok so this was very witty…oops… clever and informative 😀 Didn’t know all of that because I myself am so new to blogging… will you be my blog bestie? I loved the mention about the Triple Expresso Caramel Machiato… my fav drink from Starbucks! Anyways, great post!

    1. Thank you for commenting on my post. I appreciate it! So here’s the deal, I’d love to be your blog bestie but I already have a blog bestie, and if I were to double bestie myself then tons of misfortune would rain down on me because I’d be committing the worst bestie infraction ever, being a two-faced liar. BUT, being a fellow new blogger (well, pretty new) I’m here to tell you that you too can find your perfect mate. Just troll late-night with a beer in-hand like me and you’re good to go. Good luck and let me know how it goes!

      1. mommywritervkent says:

        *sigh* I understand :P… I was kidding, but It is really nice to be meeting more people. Keep in touch and I look forward to reading more of your blogs!!!!

      2. Oh no, I totally misread a verbal communication signal! This is why I try to communicate non-verbally (like pantomime) as much as possible. I’ll come check out your site too, thanks so much for reading and commenting! =)

  17. Miles says:

    Funny read… I’ll test this theory out 🙂 first, by making a comment here lol!

    1. Smart girl. That’s how it all started for me, but I can’t stress enough the importance of trolling FP late night with a warm beer in-hand. The whole thing is a bit voodoo – ritualistic I think. Thanks for stopping by!

  18. Simon says:

    Who knew that Rajinakanth guarded the hatch into the other dimension. You may have just started some systematic underground movement. I hope you are prepared to carry the responsibility of the Godmother of Freshly Pressed.

    1. I’m not prepared to be a Godmother of anything. The word “Godmother” sounds old, and I’m in the process of youngifying myself in any and every way possible. Next time you see my gravatar, I’ll be all melty-faced from the 34 elective surguries I’ve undertaken. I’ve always wanted to understand what alien life is like, however, so that’ll be an added bonus.

      Love your comments Simon, you are super witty and fun to chat with!

  19. Barry Paschal says:

    So (admitting ignorance): What the heck is a Freshly Pressed? I thought you were talking about ironing laundry. (Saw your dad yesterday for the first time in a long time – he’s your No. 1 Fan! Seriously: He was wearing a “Stacie’s No. 1 Fan” T-shirt, which appeared to be freshly pressed.)

    1. That’s because I sent him the shirt! I have one for you too, if you want it. =p

  20. Cynosurd says:

    Good god that was hilarious slash superexcellent secret info. The wordpress world is such a darkly magnetic place…. I can’t go on living without it. I know the troll metamorphosis that occurs in the wee hours, bathed in pearly computer glow only too well.

    1. Wow, awesome word flow you have going up there. Are you, by chance, my English Lit professor from 9th grade? If so, I should have gotten an “A” on my Scarlet Letter essay. I’ve always kind of held a grudge against you for the B. Anyway, your gravatar pic is way too small to reveal your age. I’m totally stealing that idea from you, BTW.

      Thanks for taking the time to read my super-secret post. I know it’s long, but I was way overcaffeinated yesterday and just couldn’t stop. I also appreciate the compliments, and I hope good things come your way!

    2. BTW, I’m so sure you’re my English Prof that I’m coming to check out your site tomorrow. If my instinct is correct, we’re going to rewrite my paper together until I get an A.

      1. Cynosurd says:

        Perhaps in another life–I’ve never been paid to fill unsuspecting young minds with garbled literary rhetoric, but that’s never stopped me. As for the scarlet letter, I wouldn’t have given any essay an A on that one… turned me off from romanticism for a healthy five or six years. And I’m all about pictorial enigma. And coffee. So much about coffffeeee.

  21. I read your post and couldn’t help but laugh very hard. You painted a perfect picture. Then I scrolled down to the bottom of the page and read 775 followers and I stopped laughing. HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET SO MANY FOLLOWERS?!?!

    Well, I am real impressed that I even forgot what amused me. So now I will go and check out your other posts to see what I am missing out on. Everyone seems to know you, I can’t wait to meet you too.

    BTW I really like the format. It’s cool and clean; perfect combo.

    And I can’t help but feel slight mortification over my failure at blogging and jealousy about your popularity… But then again, you are a big poster and I doubt I can live up to those expectations of your followers.

    Nice job!

    1. Thank you for reading my post to the end. My husband tried to do the same, and fell asleep halfway through. He was driving, which made the whole thing suck that much more.

      I’d love to say that my superior wordsmithing is the key to the number of followers I have. But that would be a lie. The reason I have so many followers is that I’ve kept in touch with everyone I’ve ever known since birth, and I begged or bribed each of them to hit the magic “follow” button when I launched this blog. The whole Freshly Pressed thing has been great, because now there are a few people who follow me that might not automatically hit ‘delete’ when one of my posts pops up in their in box. Except my mom. She’s totally got my back, as you’ll see in the comment section of everything I’ve written.

      You are being way too kind. I am a mere mortal who hasn’t showered in two days, needs to go to the grocery store to feed my family before the storm of the century hits tonight, and is instead sitting on the couch drinking a cup of tea, contemplating taking a nap.

      I’m coming to check your site out tomorrow to return the kind favor.

  22. predsgal says:

    This is great! This is the second post of yours I’ve read and I love your humor. I think we’d totally get along in “real life.” I also think I need to drink more beer when I blog – maybe I’ll be wittier that way!

    1. Don’t drink beer when you blog, drink beer when you troll for your blog bestie! It will make you fake-confident, and you’ll be more willing to make the first move in the blog bestie dance. I’m sure we’d get along well in the real world too, especially if you like to drink.
      Thanks for your kind comment. =)

  23. Brenda says:

    She’s right….have to love all her creative work! I laugh just as much as anyone, even when I don’t understand the lingo. I am very “sixties,” practical, open-minded.-but not so knowledgeable about
    “pressed” but I’m learning.

  24. Rob Rubin says:

    An even lesser known secret is that you can actually freshly press yourself, as I demonstrate here:

    This will ensure that your blog (which is probably 50 times better than most of posts that make it) will be enshrined in WP history for at least the next 45 seconds.

    1. Have you thought about actually posting “Twenty Ways to Fold a Cocktail Napkin? I think you’re onto something, because I, for one, would like to know. Especially if your twenty ways include oragami. If I had oragami cocktail napkins at my dinner parties, my friends would get so buzzed playing with their new pelican napkin-toys that they wouldn’t even care about the food. Which would be a super-bonus for me because I’d just get take-out and serve it in the cancerous containers.

      Thanks for posting a great comment. I’m following you now but don’t be scared, I only stalk people who’ve been Freshly Pressed. =p

  25. myruthieamore says:

    i’m glad that someone actually posted about how to become freshly pressed ( like a shirt?). i have been wondering about it but no one was sharing the secrets. thank you. now, all i need is a blogging bestie. are virtual friends easier to come by than real flesh-and-blood ones? i’ll have to see.

    1. Hmmmm…..good question. You’ll have to troll Freshly Press late at night and see. My experience has been overwhelmingly positive. =)
      Thanks for commenting!

  26. miss L says:

    Oh my gosh–this is it!!! And this time, I found the super-secret key! I’m uber excited to try this step 1-12 hahaha. Btw, my sister asked me ” Hey, Is that for real, huh??? And I answer back, Yeah!!!(smirking) try it for yourself, Sis. And she gave me a late response saying Blah, blah, blah, blekity, blah.We end up laughing. See, we get so much from reading your post.
    Love the so-called blog bestie idea, uhmm I’m gonna find one soon!? Teeheee!!
    Thanks for sharing…….

    1. Try it! I swear it works! Thanks for your cute, funny comment and for stopping by!

  27. mj monaghan says:

    I must say, I find humor and sarcasm greatly overrated. Where are the pure writers today? People like you are able to find a voice with all your tongue-in-cheekiness, while serious writers, like me, painstakingly labor over each word, sentence, and paragraph. And yet, who prevails, and gains their 15 minutes of fame? … WE BOTH DO!! hehehe 🙂

    Sorry, had to toy with a fellow FP’er, just a little bit. I discovered your blog via a comment you made on one of “my blog Besties” D-Woww, from She’s A Maineiac (
    Saw this post and had to comment. I got FP’d back in December after only blogging for a couple of months and was shocked by the stats coming in as you describe. Kind of crazy, huh?

    This was the post that hit “blog paydirt” for me:

    Will have to add you to my RSS reader since you fit right in with my style/sense of humor. Look forward to reading more. Who knows, now that I’ve commented on your blog, you might get a little MJ “blixie dust” to propel you to a second FP – it could happen!

    Oh, and thanks for the tip on Indian film actor and Super Star Rajinkanth. You might just see that pop up in an upcoming post! 🙂

    1. I’m telling you, this FP things is ALL Rajinkanth and my blogging bestie Cristy Carrington’s fault. I would love to see Rajinkanth on a future post of yours, because I’ll also be seeing you on Freshly Pressed if so, which would be super-cool! I’m coming to check your award-winning post out now, because it’s Friday and my FP traffic is down. =)

      Here’s to reading more of one another’s work…thanks for visiting and leaving such a great comment!

  28. Laura says:

    Great post, Stacie! I think I’ve missed a few of your FP steps already, tho, plus I have no prescription medication to add to the mix. I might be able to incorporate the famous Indian guy somehow… here’s hoping. Know what my search engine magical phrase is? “Passenger Pigeon.” Hands down, the most popular search word in the stats–originating an inadvertent mention of the ill-fated bird after my dog died. Strange how those things work. Anyway, I LOVE the glossary of terms at the end, so funny! And I’m still left wondering: if you were the kid in 6th grade who never said anything, how you got all those guys to ask you out??! I never said anything, except in defense of myself or if I was trying to be funny, but no one asked me out. Until college. Clearly, I have something to learn from this blog!

    1. Hey Laura!

      Guys didn’t ask me out until 8th grade. And then it was only like, two. =)

      I’m so thankful you made it to the glossary of terms without falling asleep. That was one long-winded post! I feel confident though, that between “passenger pigeon” and “Rajinakanth,” you’re well on your way to the FP lovefest. Either way, you’re a more talented artist than I’ll ever be, even in a parallel universe. Love your artwork. It’s really, really special.

      Thanks for all of your support!

    1. Right back atcha!
      Our blogs are right next to each other on the Freshly Pressed Family page. You kicked me off humor and life though….

  29. Brilliantly humorous post Stacie.
    I am gonna follow your advice.

    1. Great! Let me know how it goes…I have high hopes!

  30. filmonista says:

    here’s an alternate plan to your fail-proof bestie method– copy all stalkees tags, blogroll… straight-up jack the same pre-fab wordpress template and write in the exact same indie college rock snark that is polluting the blogosphere these days– add water and … YAHTZE!! Just joshing, ladies… you gals rawk. oh, and if you must know, I am buzzed on pop-rocks and Carlo Rossi right now… rough night– baby’s teething something fierce. ta…..

    1. I was seriously scared when I started reading this, but then I got to the pop rocks and teething baby part and it made TOTAL sense. I’m comin’ to check ya flow sista…. =)

  31. ldsrr91 says:

    The only thing I ever got Fresh Pressed was my bought at WalMart I wish I had been to Hawaii shirt which saved me $4,000 by not having to fly to Maui last summer.

    But I forge on … What was that Indian Guy’s name again?

    Good stuff, copped a sub.


    1. Repeat after me…Rajinakanth…Rajinakanth…Rajinakanth. See how it starts to roll off your tongue after a couple of hundred tries? I swear he’s a part of the FP thing, otherwise I’d have to attribute it to dumb luck, and who wants to do that?

      Thanks for stopping by!

      1. ldsrr91 says:

        If this is true (dumb luck) and we can somehow relate to it, I have heard that casino slot machines operate on this very same principle, then dumb luck in my case would insure I would eventually be a millionaire.

        Not so, must be a tad bit smarter than the average monkey eh?


  32. 7theaven says:

    It’s Rajnikanth


    The guy who doesn’t do pushups, he pushes the EARTH DOWN!!!

    1. Right on. I think.

  33. This was hilarious. And congrats on the FP again! The very first time I was FP, I had two followers. Yep. My closest friend and my cousin. I was completely blown away at being picked. But then when I got FP again and again, you just want it more and more and it becomes this lovely little obsession/addiction! Enjoy it, your writing deserves all the limelight it gets.

    1. Wait, you’ve been FP’d AGAIN and AGAIN? I knew there was something besides your super-awesome writing that attracted me to you. Now I’m going to stalk you until you tell me the secret to multiple nods. Don’t worry though, Maine is REALLY far away from Colorado….

      1. I don’t know, I think in my case it was pure luck and timing every time. I am very grateful. But you just want it more I guess…it’s an FP drug.

      2. It was fun but I have no expectation that it will ever happen again. =)

  34. Rob Rubin says:

    I believe I currently hold the record for most Freshly Pressed authors who follow my blog, though have not been FP’ed myself.

    However, as I’ve documented here: there are ways to actually freshly press yourself if you are tired of waiting for the WP editors to notice you. (And if you don’t have a recipe for a strawberry tartlet or 87 pictures of your homemade closet organizer, you’re pretty much SOL.)

    1. Rob Rubin says:

      You know, I didn’t realize that I’ve commented on this post before. Don’t accuse me of trolling. LOL. It’s been a long day -and it’s not even noon.

      1. You’re trolling. Admit it. I troll. I’ll admit it. Maybe there’s a seven step program we can check out?
        Your comments are hilarious, so troll comment as much as you’d like. =)

  35. Bondseye says:

    That’s funny! And I’m not just saying that so you’ll comment…or am I?

    1. I love comments for the sake of return comments. I also love it when anyone thinks I’m funny, so you are WELCOME to leave a flattering comment any time. =p

      Thanks so much!

  36. liberalcynic says:

    So good!

    I must confess I reached your blog after googling “How to get Freshly Pressed” (I wrote H, F, and P in uppercase as if google cares.)

    Seriously though, great writing. Imaginative and patient, what with the number of pictures you’ve squeezed in. And LOL at Rajnikanth—I’m South Indian, so I’ve been dragged to watch Rajnikanth movies by my family. He’s the desi Chuck Norris.

    Tell me this. Even though getting freshly pressed brings a lot of hits on your blog, does it help get many followers?

    1. It does get you followers, but a lot are sort of fly-by-night because they’ve picked you up on FP and may or may not like the majority of continuing content. I got about 150 followers from the blog that got FP’d, which is about 10% of the total number of followers I have, so to pick that many up with one post is significant. The majority of my comments, however, come from a community of bloggers I “run with,” which, besides being Freshly Pressed, is the best way to get a wider audience. I follow about 40 blogs, regularly comment on 15ish, and cross-promote with several other bloggers who write in a style similar to mine. I find that people will follow me based on a comment I leave on one of their posts, and even though my followers grow more slowly than being Freshly Pressed, they are more interested in my overall content and likely to stick around. Does this answer your question? Hope so. I’m out of Rajnikanth statues. =p

      1. liberalcynic says:

        Yes. You answered my question. Thanks. I guess the old-fashioned way is the best—find like-minded blogs and regularly comment on them. Thanks!

      2. Wow. You’re fast. Maybe you’re trolling Freshly Pressed as I type. Always a good start. Best of luck with your blog!

  37. Great post. This made me laugh and I needed that today. Thanks, Bestie. 😉

    1. Awwwww. Happy to make you smile. Hope your day got better and thanks for the visit and the comment!

  38. Stacie,
    How did I miss this post? I could have been FP’d so much quicker had I read it waaaaayyy back then. Instead I did it the old fashioned way. Printing up copies of my posts and affixing them to telephone poles and vacant store fronts with scotch tape and baby tears in hopes that someone would read them. Also I never knew about Rajinkanth, and instead have been using pictures of Yakov Smirnoff, which probably would have worked better if the USSR hadn’t wussed out and folded their cards.Although it does get me lots of hits from Branson, Missouri. Thanks alot, Gorbachev!
    As always, great stuff from one of the best bloggers out there. Too much? I didn’t think so.

    1. Awww, thanks Bill. The FP thing is fun, isn’t it? Well, fun until the massive high comes to a crashing halt and you have to actually resume normal humanesque activities like bathing. I’m so happy you were Freshly Pressed. You deserve it, and are one of my most favorite voices on the entire world wide web. =)

  39. You’re so funny! I’m really enjoying your blog 🙂

    1. Thanks for taking the time to read more than one post, Jennifer. I truly believe what I said about how to get Freshly Pressed. Except the Rajinikanth stuff. I just made that up to collect some cash. =)

  40. DeAnna says:

    Holy crap you are totally amaze-balls! Thank you for sharing your tips and the *looking around nervoulsy for the indian mafia (is that a thing?)* AMAZINGLY epic Indian guy with the Tom Sellek Circa-Magnum-PI stache. I don’t know if you’re my new blog bestie but I sure as hell am following you now because you made me mirf my vanilla coke. Thanks for the laugh and I’ll invoice you for the coke. 😉 All the best in 2015!

    1. How adorable are you (I’ll ignore the whole vanilla coke episode)? Anyone who knows me knows that compliments are the path to both my heart and my wallet, so you’re officially my new best friend. Happy New Year DeAnna, hope to see you soon. =)

      1. DeAnna says:

        WOO HOO! I somehow feel I’ve just won the day. Don’t worry, you’ll see me around. I’m pretty hard to get rid of once I decide I like someone. lol.

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