Dear Mr. Wynn,
In a few short months, some friends and I will leave our families behind to make an annual pilgrimage to the capital of the United States of America: Las Vegas.
We feel that as concerned citizens of the world, it’s our patriotic duty to pay homage to the mecca of glitzy-glam-glut, and embrace everything other countries love to hate about our way of life.
As such, I’m writing to you under a cloak of secrecy moral responsibility. In order to make the most of your limitless power experience as the majority owner and Commander-in-Chief of Wynn Resorts, you may want to consider naming us “Ambassadors to the Stars,” and as your trusted emissaries, upgrade our party to the Ambassador-worthy penthouse suite while you comp our entire stay at your über-amazing resort.
I know this seems ridiculous like a lot to ask, but understand that we will serve you for seventy-two hours max loyally, and represent the Wynn brand with the decorum and dignity you’ve come to expect from your all of your stalkers fake-employees.
“Why would I need forty-year oldish Ambassadors?” you ask, as you board your Bombardier BD-700 Global Express jet to pop over to Walgreen’s for some new bifocals milk duds.
You need us because we represent the bull’s eye of your target demographic. Life is all about free swag giving, and in case your fleet of fancy marketing execs hasn’t figured this out, let me pass on some sage advice.
Forty-year oldish women rock!
We’re the ideal Wynn Resort guests trolling for freebies, Ambassadors, and, listed below are just a few reasons why.
- We have real money to spend, either because we’ve hit our stride as corporate titans, have become experts at siphoning unnoticed cash from the family checking account, or both.
- Forty-year oldish women love to not eat. We’ll each pay $49.95 for the all-you-can-consume buffet and have a salad glass of water with lemon.
- When we do decide to absorb calories, however, we’ll turn a table faster than any other demographic in the room. Why?
- 1. We’ve eaten at nice restaurants before. No twenty-eight questions about the menu and clarification on the definition of tapenade (for the meal you’re picking up). The forty-year oldish woman keeps it simple: “Give me a steak. Bloody. Now.”
- 2. We have to dance, like, immediately after eating, due to a biological urge to decimate the 7,000-calorie, ginormous meal we just destroyed after consuming only cocktails and water with lemon for two straight days. Plus we love Pitbull Neil Diamond, and think either he or a dead-on Pitbull Neil Diamond impersonator just walked by on the way to one of your clubs. Sprinting for the door while one of us distracts the maître d’ with twenty-eight questions about the menu, we’re outta there before the waiter has the chance to drop a check.
- Forty-year oldish women won’t stress out the bouncers at your clubs because our bar brawling days are on hold due to a restraining order over, and we’re too busy trying to get the Pitbull Neil Diamond impersonator’s autograph to cause any trouble.
- Since our last visit, we’ve saved gazillions of quarters to donate to all of your art collections charitable causes, one slot machine at a time.
- We know the best bets to place at the craps table, and when we win? We love to take the money and run let it ride.
- We may buy our Missoni at Target, but we’ll splurge on a killer pair of Jimmy Choos with our winnings at one of your über-fancy boutiques (unless you comp them, then we’ll pocket the cash for next year’s trip).
- We never get player’s cards because fortyish year-old women don’t want our forty year-oldish husbands to know how much money we’re hemorrhaging spending at your tables. Duplicitous? No. Strategery? Yes.
- We subscribe to the principal of leaving something to the imagination, and understand that less is not necessarily more.
- You don’t need to send housekeeping to our suite (by now, I’m sure you’ve upgraded us). We serve as Domestic Divas unpaid labor in our homes and we’ll gladly clean up after ourselves (if you comp our room).
- We understand that in Vegas, there are 1,001 uses for small bills an iPhone, and we come prepared.
- Forty-year oldish women can’t sleep due to early onset of hot flashes, night sweats, and excessive caffeine consumption during the day. As such, you can be assured we’ll be trolling the blackjack tables all night in search of Neil Diamond a free Red Bull, and we might actually play a hand or two.
- We know something about style, and promise to never walk through your casino dressed like this:
- Or this:
- Or this:
- We’ll save you money on your water bills. Forty-year oldish women hate doing anything around the house laundry, and one towel each (in our free penthouse suite) will work.
- We can’t resist playing our kids’ birthdays at the roulette table even though we know the odds are made for suckers Japanese tourists.
- Sun and chemical peels don’t mix. When we’re at the pool, we’ll rent one of your gazillion dollars a day cabanas (because after all, it’s on you).
- Sun and cocktails, however, do mix, so please add a few fifty $19.00 Strawberry Crush Mojitos to the tab (that you’re picking up).
- We’re smart enough not to lick take anything that could be captured on video.
- Forty-year oldish women love to plaster pictures of ourselves all over Facebook. Nothing is more valuable than free advertising.
- What we lack in elasticity we make up for with filler.
- We’ll eat every single meal at your resort because the forty-year oldish woman knows there’s only one word for the off-Strip $4.99 sushi buffet. Unsanitary. Nasty.
- As your Ambassadors to the Stars we’re here both for the outreach opportunity luxurious accommodations and to spread the Wynn gospel to the world. As such, we’ll be on-site the entire time, except when we borrow your Bombardier BD-700 Global Express jet to pop over to Walgreen’s for some new bifocals milk duds.
- We’re way too proud to risk getting caught in the pool area with that bottle of Jose Cuervo we also picked up at Walgreen’s. We’re diabolical kind enough, however, to keep it in our suite, since we’ll actually save you money by avoiding the mini-bar (you’re comping our stay, remember?).
- As forty-year oldish women, we understand that hand sanitizer the buddy system is a good idea in any and all public places, and we use it liberally. Especially in Vegas.
- When you give us front-row Garth Brooks tickets for our “days of service” award, I promise my friend Cristy won’t rush the stage. Well, I promise to hope she won’t. If she makes it past security though, her karaoke version of Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” (super creepy, deep voice) is scary awesome, and as far as I know, she’s only been arrested once in her entire life for streaking stalking.
Like any pseudo-Ambassadors to the stars, forty-year oldish women know that all good things must come to an end. We’ll be back, however, as soon as you name us “Ambassadors to the Stars Emeriti,” or short of that, email us the magic promo code for a discounted room. When we return? We’ll bring even more forty-year oldish freeloaders friends with us.Sincerely yours, Stacie Chadwick
37 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Steve Wynn: Why the Forty-Year Oldish Woman is Your Ideal Guest”
Wicked post and Steve would be a fool not to offer you the brand ambassador position you were obviously born to do.
Oh and if you can’t be good, be good at it.
Thanks for the support Jason! I haven’t figured out his email address though. I don’t understand AT ALL why it isn’t published on his Facebook page. =p
Have a great trip! And remember, that “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” motto doesn’t apply if something that happens in Vegas would be awesome blog fodder. 🙂
Thank God. Until that last paragraph, I thought you were gonna leave me at home. However, for the record, I’ve been arrested for both stalking AND streaking…simultaneously. It’s not my fault though. I mean, how do you not get arrested for doing that? Especially when it’s Carrot Top. I mean, no one is EVER naked around him, so I was totally easy to spot.
And the only reason that I would rush the stage at a Garth Brooks concert is so that I could kidnap him and force him to, once again, if only for a single night, resume his Chris Gaines persona and sing “Lost in You” over and over again. Dreamy.
You’re the bestest blogger bestie, ever! Not just ’cause you hit it out of the park again with this hysterical, but totally true, blog post, but because you’re willing to share your strawberry mojitos with me. Okay, so I’ll drink 35 and you’ll drink… No? 34? 33? 32? 31? Wait, 30? C’mon! Selfish. I’m wasn’t even planning to touch your Jose Cuervo.
I will even MAKE you a Strawberry Crush Mojito and I don’t even make things for my own fam! It’s a good thing Whole Foods is within walking distance from my husband’s office, I just love paying $50 a night for organic take-out. Right back ‘atcha bestie bloggie!
SaWEET Blog! Had me rolling! You and crew full-on deserve to win the Wynn sweepstakes that hasn’t been created yet, but will be for you. You are a marketing kick in the pants! Keep it up!
Thanks Jordan! You don’t by chance have Steve Wynn’s email address do you? If not, his home address will do.
Only his neighbors’ addresses, but not his. LOL After you marshalled this hilarity . . . He’ll come to you. If not, there’s always leaking your blog to the concierge, and/or the marketing department straight-out cold emailed, and waiting for the influence-dye work its way up to him through the Wynn waters — and a follow-up call from you in the 3rd person “Have you HEARD about . . . ” . . .
As he walks out to his admin raising an eyebrow, “What’s all this buzz I hear about some Wynn Blog Winner? Who set that one up?” (’cause he looks pissed, and is really thinking it’s such a kick-ass idea.)
Make sure you check your spam folder simply a little more thoroughly in the near future. . . Mdme Ambassadore n League. What color’s your ribbon?
OMG, are you drinking as much caffeine as I am this morning? I can’t keep up! =) LOVE all of your ideas!!!
Too funny, Stacie. This is me uncaffeinated. My process is more half-einated. I’ll have half of this, half of that, and . . . yep, give me half of each of all those over there.
If you’d be willing to take along a fifty-ish Ambassador, I might be able to finagle an AARP discount on spa services. The embalming I require is quite expensive, but I could probably get you a deal on filler. Very funny post. Cristy was right as always.
Thanks for taking the time to comment! To me, fortyish is anywhere from about 36 to 62, and I plan to celebrate my 39th (which is not my real birthday) for the rest of my life. You are IN, would love for you to come along!
Trust me! You want Kitchen Slattern along for this ride. I’m dying to hang with this chick. Stacie, she knows lots and lots of cocktail recipes AND she cooks AND she hates Martha Stewart. Need anything else be said?
Belly laughing! Wish I could join you as an East Coast ambassador!
You can! There’s more than enough room in the penthouse suite! Miss ya lots and lots Mar… =)
Oh, man, so I can’t bring my sparkling sunglasses and green-eyed slippers?!
You can definitely bring your sparkling sunglasses and green-eyed slippers…you just can’t bring Snooki. =)
Love the 40 year old women! My wife turns 40 in April… going to be fun,
You know where you need to go to celebrate, don’t you?
Sushi with the label “gross sushi” on it, bloody steak, snooki boots and color…oh boy. Somebody better grant your request ASAP because you’re too real! Lol 😛
Love your comment! Glad you like my bloody steak. Thanks for stopping by…. =)
Maybe you’d do better to call Snooki and see if she can put in a good word for you. She might even share her boots. I hear they’re perfect for the chilly weather in Vegas. Great post!
Yes. Snooki is definitely more in with Wynn than I am. But as soon as I have the time to stalk his fleet of marketing execs that’s all gonna change. Unless I get arrested. For stalking.
Thanks for the comment. =)
I didn’t realize I live in the capital of the United States. When you come out shoot me an email and I’ll tell you where all the free stuff is!
Yes. The capital of glitzy glam glut where all major policy decisions are made and dreams really do come true!
“Give me a steak. Bloody. Now.” Hahaha! I Guess if he reads this letter he will hold his breath when he reaches the bloody part! Answer back man, this 40 year old woman means business!
BTW Stacie, you look so much younger you should have written on 30 year old women instead 🙂
Ha! I knew there was some mystical, undefinable reason why I liked you. Now I know what it is! Thanks for the compliment and for taking the time to read my post Rana!
Aww ! so my evil plan to get you to like me actually worked 😀 Yeah I read your post about how to get freshly pressed, and since you’ve been there I’ll be stalking you until I get you to follow my blog!
anyone who points out how they will never dress like snooki is always the tops in my book. loved. and now you’re makin’ me want to go to vegas…drats! loved it.
So glad you’re not a Snooki worshipper. Because then we couldn’t hang out. Come on to Vegas, the more the merrier. I’m serious! Thanks for your kind comment. =)
I was in Las Vegas a couple of years ago, and someone told me that Steve Wynn doesn’t have anything to do with that hotel, that he was paid for the use of his name. Is that possible? Are there people who are so famous, they can sell their own name? Anyway, whoever owns the place, you really should send them a link to this amazing post. You never know.
Wonderful writing, as always, Stacie. I’m looking forward to the follow-up report in a few months.
I hope that’s not true! Then I’ll have to try to figure out the probable email address of ANOTHER billionaire. Steve Wynn’s address isn’t published (likely due to people like me), but I’ve figured out about 72 different possible combinations, and if I’m lucky, will only get 71 “unknown” address” emails back when I shoot this into cyperspace.
Thanks for your support Charles. I think the world of your talent and am so happy to have connected.
wow, this letter is really convincing. i think you’re totally in.
Glad you think so! You don’t know Steve Wynn, by chance do you? =)
Hey! Would you mind if I share your blog with my myspace group?
There’s a lot of folks that I think would really appreciate your content.
Please let me know. Thank you
If you’re real, and not a web-generated bot, please reply to this note with a bank-guaranteed unique ID number. Anyone willing to let me siphon off all their cash is worth any and all of my content. =)