If life's about the journey, does it matter how many bathroom breaks you take along the way?

As much as I appreciate the blog awards I’ve been given, I’ve been remiss in responding in part because they each have a specific set of instructions, that when combined, are completely overwhelming.

I don’t think anyone really cares to read random facts about me (O.K., my fourth toe is actually shorter than my fifth on each foot, casting a weird, webbish shadow whenever I wear flip-flops), or wants to know about the best moment of my life (definitely now, writing this blog…which would lead you to believe that I’m a sad person, and in all honesty, is kind of a fake hook so you’ll keep going).

I have ugly feet and am in dire need of a pedicure.

I have ugly feet and am in dire need of a pedicure.

More important though, like everyone who blogs, I feel that the world needs to read my original content on a regular basis. Like, needs needs, in the same way I could use a daily I.V. that infuses caffeine directly into my soul.

But I don’t want to talk about myself. I wanna talk about Don Draper. With season five of Mad Men premiering this Sunday night, I thought it might be nice to save you the boredom of skimming fifty-two things you never wanted to know about me and instead create a brand new blogging award that has nothing to do with blogging, is ready and available to add to your site right now, or if you’re not a blogger, your Facebook page, or if you live in Uzbekistan and aren’t on Facebook? Well, maybe you could just carry it around or something.

Anyway, pretty much everyone qualifies for the award (see below). It doesn’t matter if you’re a blogger or a writer. I don’t even care if you know how to spell. The beauty of this award (besides Don Draper’s face), is that you don’t have to do anything except prepare yourself to field the millions of questions from Mad Men fanatics all over the world who covet what you’ve sort of not earned and link them back to me.  If you have to make a choice between the two? Just link back. Early and often. And mostly often.

How to Qualify for The Don Draper Award

You’re attracted to Don Draper.

You’re attracted to Don Draper and now find yourself out of a job.

You’re a secretary who’s attracted to Don Draper and now find yourself…a secretary.

You’re married to a psychotic person.

You’re divorced from a psycho but miss the tender, violent moments you used to share.

You grew up on a farm.

You grew up on a farm but somehow avoided 4:00 a.m. chores and are now a Hand Model.

You’re a fictional character.

You’re a real person who hates your life and pretends to be someone else.

You have a corner office at work.

You sleep in your corner office because you don’t want to go home to an empty apartment every night.

You sleep in your boss’s corner office because you have some weird fetish and like to smell the strangely intoxicating scent of his cigarettes, aftershave, and booze long after he’s gone home to his empty apartment.

You are Batman.

You aren’t Batman but you’re a mysterious person.

You aren’t mysterious but you wear your Batman costume to bed every night in your empty apartment.

You’re a successful partner in an advertising agency.

You’ve never succeeded in anything but you love watching commercials.

Your mother was a prostitute who died giving birth to you.

Your mother is a really nice person who embarrassed you as a kid because her ta-tas were always hanging out.

You like to fix men who are broken.

You like to fix men who are broken only to find that they’ve wiped out your entire savings account and you too are now….broke.

At the age of ten, your father was killed in some crazy electrical storm when a scared horse kicked him in the face.

Your father is still alive, but spends way too much time at the track.

Nobody, not even your wife, knows who you really are because you stole another soldier’s identity during the Korean War and now live under an alias.

You are a normal person, but loved Alias before it got cancelled and think Jennifer Garner is really, really hot when she’s not pregnant.

You love women.

Women love you.

You don’t really know what love is because you’re at the apex of a long-simmering identity crisis that stems back to your childhood, have no self-esteem, use and objectify women, find that success and money can’t fill the gaping hole left by your dead mother and abusive stepfather, and marry your secretary so you don’t have to sleep alone in your corner office every night or go home to an empty apartment.

And if the last reason is the one that qualifies you for The Don Draper Award? You might wanna go with the Hand Model thing and keep it to yourself because that’s some really heavy stuff.

In closing, I’d like to take a minute to thank all of the awesome bloggers who have thrown accolades my way that I don’t deserve. If you have time, please stop by and honor them with a Don Draper Award, linked directly back to me. Early and often. But mostly often.

(Blogs appear in the order that their owners bestowed awards on me. First-mover advantage is real.)

Paltry Meanderings of a Taller Than Average Woman

Sweet Mother

The Write Transition

Jumping in Mud Puddles


Morning Erection

Random Acts

24 thoughts on “Season Premiere of Mad Men and The Don Draper Award

  1. Bryan says:

    I was getting worried I wouldn’t qualify. Then I got down to Alias and Jennifer Garner. I am glad that I finally received a blogger award even if it’s made up. Well since it has better rules than the official awards, that makes it better. Great job!

    1. I thought Jennifer would be a catch-all for anyone who loves hot chics. Glad you think she’s hot too!

  2. Beth says:

    It should be known that that is NOT her foot. Good God, child, you are brave. Thanks for the entertainment.

    1. That is SO my foot, Beth. Mani/pedi scheduled for tomorrow if you wanna come!

  3. Laura says:

    Thanks for the laugh! I love MM and can’t wait to see the new season… when it comes out on Netflix 😦 No cable, but it gives me something to look forward to. I love your list!

    1. Thanks Laura! I too, am a huge MM fan. I seasons 1 – 4 on DVD though, so it will be a painful week-to-week wait this time around!

      1. Laura says:

        Well, if you need something to fill in the blank space…. I’m also a huge fan of Breaking Bad–filmed right here in good old ABQ, which would normally lower my expectations, but it is FAN tastic. Obviously much different from MM, but I love it just the same.

      2. I hear Breaking Bad is AWESOME, but my DVR is currently clogged with a year’s worth of Modern Family, 30 Rock, and now? American Idol. Yes, I am an ad exec’s dream.

  4. brains says:

    !!!!!!!!!!!!! does that hurt?! wha’ happened?

    1. Does what hurt? A pedicure? Not really. Unless you have an ingrown toenail.

      1. brains says:

        no, the shorter toe. did you smack it on something, or it just grew – or didn’t grow – that way?

      2. It just never grew. Same on both sides. Freaky, I know.

  5. crubin says:

    Ooh, any time I’m included in a list with “Morning Erection”, I know it’s going to be a great day! Thanks for the mention. Thanks for a great post. Thanks for a good laugh.

    However, given your tendency to drink-tossing and shiv-making, I’m not sure I dare tell you I don’t watch Mad Men. I know, what’s wrong with me, right? Guess I’m too busy watching violence like Justified and Alcatraz. 🙂

    1. Yes, that’s a blog title that you remember.

      It’s OK if you don’t watch Mad Men, but your local library has ALL of the back seasons. Just sayin’.

      Did you see that Sweet Mother was Freshly Pressed today? Woo Hoo!

      1. crubin says:

        I did see that. She will be in comment heaven for a few days. 🙂

  6. clownonfire says:

    Is there a Joan Holloway award?
    Cause I would take a Joan Holloway award…

    1. Only for you Clownonfire. The first and only Joan Holloway Award. Now go grab Joan, take a smoke break in the supply closet, and do what the only person in the world gifted with the Joan Holloway Award stuck in a small, dark room with Joan Holloway would do.

      1. clownonfire says:

        “[…]do what the only person in the world gifted with the Joan Holloway Award stuck in a small, dark room with Joan Holloway would do.”

        …Watch the season premiere of Mad Men!

  7. You crack me up Stacie, but I know it would have been a better read if I had ever seen Mad Men (i know I know).

    You must be loving life right now with Louisville’s wins.

    1. Then I won’t tell you how crazy you are not to watch. =)

      LOVING being in the Elite Eight, and honestly, don’t hate UK so much that I’m proud to have two Kentucky teams still left at the dance.

      Enjoying your analysis of the tournament too.

      Thanks for stoping by!

  8. I just finished watching season 4 last night on netflix. I managed to watch all four seasons in about a month. Just in time for tonight…can’t wait!

    1. Don’t you just adore Don Draper in spite of everything in your being that screams at you to run in the opposite direction as fast as you can?

      1. I do. I suppose knowing about his horrible past helps me feel sorry for the guy. Every time a woman enters the scene, you know he’ll come on to her, it’s just terrible, really. Nothing close to my life so that’s why I love it–an escape from reality!

      2. That’s how he hooks you! We, as supportive, caring nurturing women think we can fix Don Draper. But only after we sleep with him (in our minds, because we’re married and wouldn’t really do something like that in real life unless he walked into an empty bar, in a parallel universe where no one would know and then only maybe). Anyway, all of the characters on that show are amazing….the plot, the setting, the lighting, the props. Love love love that it’s back on the air. I did what you did, watched four seasons straight about a year ago. It’s been a long wait for season 5…enjoy!

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